A Fresh Start

It's a new year and I'm giving my blog a fresh start having abandoned it for almost a year. Shamefully, I can pick up where I left off because I'm not much further ahead. Some areas, thankfully I've grown. Others, not but an inch.

I've spent the past year with Freedom Session, having come away with a new and practicing understanding of forgiving others and making amends. Both huge leaps for me.

Since September, I've been facilitating a group of 10 ladies through Freedom Session. A daunting but awesomely rewarding task. It might not be for everyone, but to walk through pain with others in authentic and open community is where I feel alive. It's where I experience God.

But then there's the mere inch of growth part.

"Someones got to be the hero"..........those were the words spoken to me about my marriage over a year ago by my three friends, my confidantes and prayer partners.

I get that. Is it not the essential message of the bible? To lay down ones life for another. That Jesus lay down his life for us.

I get it in my head, but in practice I am this donkey digging in it's heels, unyielding, frustrating any hope of going anywhere.

How can two people who are postured in a stance of self protection from years of reciprocal hurts, find the way to vulnerability and intimacy?

My heart is telling me the way is through yielding. Swallowing my pride, my entitlement and dismantling my walls of protection. Resisting my urge to dig my heels in. Then perhaps there's a chance for abundance in my marriage.

If  any of my readers are still out there.......please pray for me....that I will find the courage and humility to rise to the occasion.

I'm Doing It!

After my last post, where I told my self to just stop thinking about The Love Dare and "just do it", I visited the 40 Day Love Dare blogspot where Jennifer and Eric were just finishing their 40 days. Near the end of her post, Jennifer writes:

"If you haven't started the Love Dare, just do it! It will change your marriage and just maybe your life."

Can you believe that? Is that's not a bit fat Holy Spirit nudge or what? It certainly made me think for a minute that God is totally behind this and the time is right.

I got my Friday morning group of ladies on board and we're all doing this together. We watched the movie "Fire Proof" together and then picked a date to start.

We're on day 14 and the biggest change has been in me. Each day gives me something new to think about, a new approach to relating to my husband, and of course an action to take. Sometimes it's hard to carry out a particular task on that day so I go back and check it off when I've done it a few days later. Feels like a scavenger hunt.

I realize that I have been quite hard hearted and self protective in my marriage. I find it hard to be vulnerable and give of myself and I'm not quite sure why. But, I'm taking this one day at a time and I'm trusting that the Lord is in this with us.

Just Do It!

Looking back over my past blog entries, over and over I talk about my desire for humility and selflessness. And yet, why do I find it so hard to put that into practice, especially with the most important relationship in my life?

Have you heard of the love dare from the movie "Fire Proof"? I'm considering it. In fact I just registered on-line but I need to get the book. Somehow, I think I'll only make it to day 3 and then give up because I'm not getting anything back. I'm so tit for tat.

What compels me to try is the sad realization that I have been thinking about these things for years but am hopelessly self centred when it comes to practice.

I need to just do it.

Taking Inventory

For the past 10 or so years, my focus has been on the journey within. Figuring myself out, figuring God out, figuring me and God out......and all that.

When I look around my internal room, I can say I'm content with the results of my rearranging and tidying up. It feels okay to just sit for a while. My faith has been analyzed, tested, turned up side down and it's fitting comfortably.

So here we are, God and me, sitting quite contently in my inner room.

However, it's become increasingly apparent how much my marriage is in need of attention. Perhaps I've been self focused for just a little too long.

In the past couple of years, my husband and I have agreed that we want more. We know it could be better. But then we go back to regular life, not quite knowing how to start, lacking courage to take a step.

Things really blew up in January when unexpectedly, I had to spend 6 weeks on crutches. The stress of having to rely on my husband and children brought out in me so many resentments, frustrations and hurts. Hurts relating to not feeling cherished.

That time of adversity was a real wake up call for the both of us. Things are still up and down, but we're taking it seriously and we've both agreed we don't want walk away.

The fists are down.
We're talking.
Unfortunately, neither side has much to say.

Happy Wife Happy Life!

My husband picked up that catchy little phrase some time ago. It stuck with him and he pulls it out every once in a while. In fact, it has become somewhat of a tenet in our marriage.

For instance - we might be shopping for a piece of furniture and come to a standstill with differing opinions about what each party feels would be suitable in price, style and functionality. In this case, hubby lays his card on the table. "Okay honey, you decide, after all happy wife happy life." This allows him to save face and let me know that he's doing this to make me happy which of course will make things go well for him too. It's all about the bigger picture.

It's true that the woman sets the tone in the home. There's another catchy phrase that rings true - "when mom ain't happy, ain't no one happy".

This might not be terribly spiritual but there is a grain of truth to it. In fact I think it's in the bible. It goes something like this. "Husbands obey your wives so it will go well with you". Oh wait - I think it's "Children obey your parents" so forget that.

But the bible does ask husbands to love their wives and then tells women to respect their husbands. Eph 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

I have always felt that this word of wisdom is the key to a happy marriage. That somehow, it taps into how men and women are created and our basic needs. It's a delicate balance though - easier said than done. I think because woman can withhold respect when they don't feel loved and men can withhold love when they don't feel respected. And to make things more complicated, a husband might be giving what he thinks is love but the wife doesn't receive it as love, and visa versa.

Oh well, after almost 15 years of marriage, when my husband gives in to me using the Happy Wife Happy Life card, I feel loved.