Want a piece of humble pie?

One of the greatest workings of God in my daily life is when he opens my eyes to truth, allowing me to see something new. When this happens, I have a choice to walk in that truth, adopting it into my internal posture. Or I can choose to slough it aside, especially if I find it too hard or too painful.

This summer I had one of those light bulb moments. This profound "Aha" moment was, of all places, during memory verse time while I was helping with my 8 year old's VBS group. The theme for the week was "Be a World Changer" and the virtue for the day was "Be Wise" The scripture being James 3:17

But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere.

I have always highly valued wisdom. As a teenager I remember praying for wisdom above all else. I love the story of Solomon. Proverbs is one of my favorite books of the Bible. As I thought about this passage that I've read many times before, it dawned on me that I have valued the wrong kind of wisdom. Verses 13 to 16 told me more about that wisdom.

If you are wise and understand God’s ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.

Wisdom breeds humility and yields to others. It puts others first rather than self. When I examined my own desire for wisdom I squirmed as I realized that it came from selfishness and pride. To be painfully honest, I want wisdom so that I will look good. I want to be able to always know what the right thing to do or say is without ever making a mistake. I want others to like and admire me. I want to be better than others. It has nothing to do with humility at all! It looks so ugly when I write it down like that but it never seemed that way. It's so deceiving.

If you have been tracking with me this past year you know that I have been struggling to be free from resentment. The Lord's answer has been to yield my spirit to others and cultivate a servant's heart. And now I learn that God has actually been giving me the keys to obtaining the wisdom that I have prayed for all my life.

In the topsy turvy kingdom of God, the key to wisdom is found in humility. The wisdom of the world stems from pride and selfishness. I do value humility as well. I just never saw how wisdom and humility were so closely connected. In fact, it was the topic of my very first blog post.

Now that is humbling. It's time to go and eat my pie.

Importunate Prayer

im⋅por⋅tu⋅nate 
–adjective
1. urgent or persistent in solicitation, sometimes annoyingly so.
2. pertinacious, as solicitations or demands.
3. troublesome; annoying: importunate demands from the children for attention.

I love that word! Most translations call it the parable of the persistent widow. But I think the word importunate packs a lot more punch in explaining the way Jesus meant for us to pray.

I've been pondering the tale of the importunate widow these days while reading from E.M. Bounds about prayer. Honesty, my prayer life has never been fueled by this level of feistiness. I guess I just give up after a while of praying about something. After all, God knows what's best so if it's meant to come about it will. And it seems almost like a vain repetition to make a point of praying the same thing over and over again. Then there's the uncomfortable feeling of being too "name it and claim it" as if I'm trying to order God around. But...... to be really honest...... I'm just too prideful to be a pest. To be that desperate.

Blessed are the poor in spirit. I think that can very well mean blessed be the desperate. I admit that I have just not been desperate and humble enough to stand importunately before God. In fact, I've been rather mamby pamby. But I've had enough now because I've been stuck for long enough!

The words of E.M Bounds are changing my attitude. "Energy, courage and perseverance must back the prayers that heaven respects and God hears......Persistence is made up of intensity, perseverance and patience.......Faith functions in connection with prayer and of course, has its inseparable association with persistence. But the latter quality drives the prayer to the believing point."

Bounds goes on to say "The absolute necessity of persistent prayer is plainly stated in the Word of God and needs to be stated and restated today.....Love of ease, spiritual laziness, and religious indifference all operate against this type of petitioning."

I feel like I'm at a standstill within myself. I'm on a merry-go-round, revisiting the same situations over and over again. I've come to the realization that God is the only one who can help me get off. It's time to lose the pride and the self efficiency. It's time to be like those desperate ones in the Bible whose faith healed them. People like the blind Bartimaeus or the Syrophenician woman.

Here I come God. I'm going to be a pest now. I'll be here everyday, pounding on the door. Just letting you know.

Stuck

Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God. - Ephesians 5: 1-2

I'm stuck in my spiritual life while haunted with this scripture. It dawned on me recently that the whole sacrifice thing has to do with living in love. When something gives it's life for another, the aroma is infinitely pleasing to God. The way that we lay our lives down for others is by putting them before us. To deny our ourselves for others.

That is just too dang hard for me! And that is why I'm stuck. Nothing else really matters about this Christian life if I can't at least do that. So why bother?

Oh I can be nice, loving, giving and self sacrificing in a myriad of ways. I look good on the outside, and it's honestly genuine. However, if someone makes me feel the least bit stepped on, unappreciated, taken for granted or devalued, then look out. I won't be laying my life down for them anymore! Then there's the people who just plain annoy and irritate me. I'm not so willing to put them first either.

Once I heard Beth Moore say that 90% of our sin is in our reactions. That is totally the case with me. I could be so holy and spiritual if I lived alone on a desert island. I don't go looking to sin, but other people get to me. I just can't stop taking offense, harbouring resentment and feeling self protective. I just want to be able to let it all go and live in love despite others. What is wrong with me??? I long to be.....unfettered.

I've been thinking of something I read a while back, that if you can't seem to stop a certain sin, then you just don't hate it enough. I think that's why I'm writing about this here. I really do hate this and it makes it more real when I write about it.

Father - I own this sin - I hate this sin - forgive me and deliver me from it. I put my trust in you working in me to accomplish the impossible. AMEN

Breakthrough

Does anyone else struggle with RESENTMENT? I can honestly say it's the single most pervasive negative emotion that camps out in my head! Or maybe its just the loudest one. At any rate, it's been my companion for a long time and the Lord has called me on it several times.

Mostly it has to do with housework and is directed at my family with my husband bearing the brunt of it. I honestly don't know if I would have signed up had I known that being a wife and mother meant that my purpose in life was to be picking up after other people who recklessly take advantage of me, turning me into a ranting, nagging lunatic. I'm being dramatic here and I wouldn't give up my family for the world but this is how I feel at times.

Resentment creeps into other relationships as well. It takes the form of withholding, waiting for others to give me what I think I deserve before I give back.

I have owned it - confessed it - repented of it ......several times. When I harbour resentment, I feel guilty and then I resent myself. It's a vicious cycle!

This summer, I had enough. Why Oh Lord do I struggle with this so much??!!!! I realized that I needed to get to the root of my resentment. It wasn't enough to identify it as sin and be grieved about it, and I have to admit that when it came down to it, I wasn't really willing to give it up. In fact, I felt entitled to this reaction to perceived wrongs against me. Entitled to entertain this insidious relative of unforgiveness. Entitled to withhold until the other party gives something too.

So I sat down with pen and paper, and had a little conversation with God. I find that the answers take form more easily when I write down what I feel God is saying to me.

Why am I resentful? Expectations of others.

What are my expectations of others? Validation

Why do I need to be validated? Loneliness and Isolation (with a picture of me in a deep well by myself)

Why do I feel lonely and isolated?You don't trust people until they prove themselves to you. You don't believe you are valid until someone proves it to you. It prevents you from having a servant's heart.

How do I get a servant's heart? I have chosen you!!! Your name is in the book of life. You have been validated by me!!! For this reason you can die to your expectations of others and have a servants heart towards them.

Yes!! Breakthrough!!!! As these words penetrated my heart - I understood how my resentment is attached to my own need for validation. I keep people on the hook if I don't feel appreciated. I keep them at arms length if I feel rejected. The parable of the unforgiving debtor came to my mind and I saw myself there.

Lord, help me to have a restful spirit that finds its validity in you. Help me to love others lavishly from the abundance of my heart.

Although, the grip of resentment has weakened, I still struggle with it almost daily. I wonder if I will ever be able to die to myself. I long to have the heart of the unprofitable servant, the one who does his daily tasks cheerfully without expecting anything back.

As we sang this song today in church, the words gripped me. With tears streaming down my checks, I knew that this was my answer.

Amazing love how can it be
that you my King should die for me
Amazing love I know it's true
It's my joy to honour you
in all I do.

I want it all and I want it now.

"Yuppies' creed: 'I want it all and I want it now.'"
—Russell Baker, New York Times, February 6, 1988

I've been pondering what I've learned about the things in my heart from my dream.

contentment and coveting

They really are two sides of a coin. I didn't see it at first, even though it seems obvious. The Lord wants me to be content. The reason that I am not is because I'm coveting. I asked myself what it is that I really want and I began to realize that I want it all!

If you know me in my everyday life you probably wouldn't guess that about me. You would think I am not in want of anything. (or maybe I don't hide it as well as I think) This is because I never articulate these longings.........they are all in my head or my heart......swimming around. They are expecations that I am subconsciously striving toward.

So I thought I would make a list and get them out once and for all. This makes me feel sooooooo painfully vulnerable. But here goes:

1. I WANT an impeccably clean and organized home.


2. I WANT a bigger home in a more prestigious neighborhood.


3. I WANT a better and more physically fit body.


4. I WANT to be valued and recognized in all my roles (wife, mother, employee, bible study leader, etc).


5. I WANT everyone to like me.

Now on a conscious level I am very aware how blessed I truly am. The Lord has actually given me the desires of my heart! I have a wonderful and handsome husband, two lovely girls, and lots of quality relationships, a really nice home in a great neighborhood, a housecleaner, and a great job in my own home. Life is not without it's tensions but generally, it's pretty good.

However, on a deeper level, I have set some standards and expectations for myself and at any given time I am responding to the fact that I am not meeting those standards.

When others aren't helping me to accomplish my goals I get resentful and critical.

When I am not meeting my standards, I get angry at myself.

I am in a constant state of striving.

I get anxious and hurt when I don't get the recognition or attention that I feel I'm entitled to.

Oh, this is sooooo cleansing. When I lay it out like this it seems so silly. It's okay to have goals - but ones that are doable and I don't have to get harry if it doesn't happen. And it's okay to enjoy the fruits of my labour and the blessings of God without setting my heart upon the things of this world....without wanting more. I desire to live in a state of gratitude not striving!

I can actully see these WANTS piled up on a big barge which I am shoving off to sea. The barge is floating farther and farther away and I'm feeling more and more detached from it........weightless.....peaceful.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.........

Throwing Caution To The Wind

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4

I am reading "Chasing Daylight - Seize The Power Of Every Moment" by Erwin McManus. I love inspirational books that hit the mark and this is right up my alley. Chapter 2 is about initiative and it is really speaking to me. I confess that I regularly get caught up on the merry-go-round of Passion - Initiative - Striving - Discouragement - Passivity .....so I am looking for some perspective here.

I tend to be a cautious person. I will second guess myself and look around at what others are doing. Often, I have said to the Lord "show me exactly what to do because I don't want to drop the ball". However, it's now occurring to me that God wants me to take initiative and to take the risk. McManus says "Do what you know you should do, and you will know what to do. God clarifies in the midst of obedience, not beforehand."

He goes on to say "There is a direct relationship between passion and initiative. The more passionate you are, the more proactive you will tend to be (even if you boldly do the wrong thing). Here's where the dilemma lies: this can actually be paralyzing for a sincere follower of Jesus Christ. You don't want to passionately do the wrong thing. You desperately want to do what's on God's heart, not just on your own heart. Here's the liberating reality: when you are passionate about God, you can trust your passions. God uses our passions as a compass to guide us. To put it crassly, when you are madly in love with God, you can do whatever you want. I am convinced this may be the best contemporary translation of Psalm 37:4 "

This is soooooooo freeing to me! I can trust the desires of my heart!!!! I can throw caution to the wind!!! Oh yes I know that being grounded is still an important factor. And we really need to keep our good friend discernment around. And of course there is our ever present need for wise council. But this is RUTH talking here. I'm the Steady Eddy.......the responsible one. I think I have enough ingrained caution to take me down the road of WILD ABANDON without leaving too much of a mess behind.

I soooooooo do delight in the Lord and as McManus says "When we delight in God, we become anything but apathetic......These desires of our hearts are born out of the heart of God."

New Years Resolution.......... to live a life seizing divine moments, throwing caution to the wind.