Wednesday, September 12, 2007

my desert

those who know me might have heard me say from time to time "i used to be a nice person before i got married and had kids!" b.k. (before kids) my life was pretty controlled and it was easy to keep myself to myself. everything changed after these little people came into my home and i had so many new roles in my life. i sometimes don't recognize myself. i often ask myself "who is this anxious, impatient,angry , resentful, insecure women?"

god has taught me humility through this. when under pressure, my real self emerged and i didn't like her. i had to be honest with myself and god. i had boxed myself in and controlled my responses for so long that i didn't even have a real self anymore. i had to learn to be me again.

you know the saying......"just be yourself". it took me until my mid 30's to be myself. i truly value authenticity but i know how easy it is for me to put on a mask out of my own pride and fear of rejection.

i find that i like me now. i am more like the person that i was when i was 10 years least that's what it feels like in my mind. If only i could still do a back hand spring.


Max said...

Hello Ruth!

I have heard many stories of women saying that life B.K. was a lot different, that they had dreams, and plans...and then everything changed (even my mom said this)!

It is natural, isn't it?
We make our own choices, and have to live with them!
However there's nothing like having kids, and that alone makes it all worth it :)!


Ruth said...

Hi Max,

Thanks for dropping by. You are right that it is so worth having kids.

It was my little girls who tapped into the real me and caused me to take a good hard look at myself. I sometimes wonder what I would have been like had I not had kids. I think I would have been more polished and aloof. You know....FAKE.

Thanks for your comment. I have been enjoying your blog too.

Livingsword said...

I would pay you ten dollars to do a back hand spring down the church auditorium main hall! Ok between first and second service…

FiKaLo said...

Wow, that's interesting, I kind of know what you mean except it was through becoming a mother that I found Jesus (well, among other factors, too). My life is absolutely hectic but i think i needed kids to help me become who i'm meant to be. That and i'm only 25 so plenty of years left in me!! :-D

Ruth said...

Hi FiKaLo, thanks for your input. I recently came accross your blog too and very much enjoyed it.

I agree with you that our kids help us become who we are suposed to be.

In my case, they opened up my heart to love and laughter as well as my insecurities.

Judging from your favortie book list on your profile, you are well read in the author's that tap into our real selves. I am a big fan of John and Lisa Bevere as well as the Eldridges. I worked through "The Sacred Romance" workbook and it opened up a lot of hidden places in me.
At your young age of "25" your are on the right track of authenticity.

I hope to hear from you again.

Bless you Sister........