It's a new year and I'm giving my blog a fresh start having abandoned it for almost a year. Shamefully, I can pick up where I left off because I'm not much further ahead. Some areas, thankfully I've grown. Others, not but an inch.
I've spent the past year with Freedom Session, having come away with a new and practicing understanding of forgiving others and making amends. Both huge leaps for me.
Since September, I've been facilitating a group of 10 ladies through Freedom Session. A daunting but awesomely rewarding task. It might not be for everyone, but to walk through pain with others in authentic and open community is where I feel alive. It's where I experience God.
But then there's the mere inch of growth part.
"Someones got to be the hero"..........those were the words spoken to me about my marriage over a year ago by my three friends, my confidantes and prayer partners.
I get that. Is it not the essential message of the bible? To lay down ones life for another. That Jesus lay down his life for us.
I get it in my head, but in practice I am this donkey digging in it's heels, unyielding, frustrating any hope of going anywhere.
How can two people who are postured in a stance of self protection from years of reciprocal hurts, find the way to vulnerability and intimacy?
My heart is telling me the way is through yielding. Swallowing my pride, my entitlement and dismantling my walls of protection. Resisting my urge to dig my heels in. Then perhaps there's a chance for abundance in my marriage.
If any of my readers are still out there.......please pray for me....that I will find the courage and humility to rise to the occasion.
Showing posts with label My Journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Journey. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Stuck
Yes I got stuck half way through my Love Dare.
It was the part about forgiveness.
If I was going to be honest with myself, forgiving my spouse and asking for forgiveness was going to take more than the two days allotted in the book. And I didn't think I could skip over it so I just put the book down at that point.
However, about the same time I started The Love Dare I joined a Freedom Session class. I had an idea that this class was going to lead me where I needed to go at a much deeper level.
And so it has. Based on a 12 step program we meet weekly for group DVD sessions and then break into our small groups for discussion and review of our homework. We dig into the hard stuff. It's all pretty honest.
Maybe it's the deep honesty that got me stuck. At this point in the class, we have made "a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves". We've listed all our hurts that come to mind and the people involved. We've listed all of those we've hurt. And then we read them out to a trusted sponsor.
Whew! It was actually very cleansing. I've done much of this already over the past few years but this is very thorough and has led me to process a lot of current dynamics in my life that are all interconnected.
In a way, I'm rather disapointed in myself. On the other hand........I'm being honest.....patient....submitting myself to the process. We'll see where that takes me.
It was the part about forgiveness.
If I was going to be honest with myself, forgiving my spouse and asking for forgiveness was going to take more than the two days allotted in the book. And I didn't think I could skip over it so I just put the book down at that point.
However, about the same time I started The Love Dare I joined a Freedom Session class. I had an idea that this class was going to lead me where I needed to go at a much deeper level.
And so it has. Based on a 12 step program we meet weekly for group DVD sessions and then break into our small groups for discussion and review of our homework. We dig into the hard stuff. It's all pretty honest.
Maybe it's the deep honesty that got me stuck. At this point in the class, we have made "a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves". We've listed all our hurts that come to mind and the people involved. We've listed all of those we've hurt. And then we read them out to a trusted sponsor.
Whew! It was actually very cleansing. I've done much of this already over the past few years but this is very thorough and has led me to process a lot of current dynamics in my life that are all interconnected.
In a way, I'm rather disapointed in myself. On the other hand........I'm being honest.....patient....submitting myself to the process. We'll see where that takes me.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Just Do It!
Looking back over my past blog entries, over and over I talk about my desire for humility and selflessness. And yet, why do I find it so hard to put that into practice, especially with the most important relationship in my life?
Have you heard of the love dare from the movie "Fire Proof"? I'm considering it. In fact I just registered on-line but I need to get the book. Somehow, I think I'll only make it to day 3 and then give up because I'm not getting anything back. I'm so tit for tat.
What compels me to try is the sad realization that I have been thinking about these things for years but am hopelessly self centred when it comes to practice.
I need to just do it.
Have you heard of the love dare from the movie "Fire Proof"? I'm considering it. In fact I just registered on-line but I need to get the book. Somehow, I think I'll only make it to day 3 and then give up because I'm not getting anything back. I'm so tit for tat.
What compels me to try is the sad realization that I have been thinking about these things for years but am hopelessly self centred when it comes to practice.
I need to just do it.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Taking Inventory
For the past 10 or so years, my focus has been on the journey within. Figuring myself out, figuring God out, figuring me and God out......and all that.
When I look around my internal room, I can say I'm content with the results of my rearranging and tidying up. It feels okay to just sit for a while. My faith has been analyzed, tested, turned up side down and it's fitting comfortably.
So here we are, God and me, sitting quite contently in my inner room.
However, it's become increasingly apparent how much my marriage is in need of attention. Perhaps I've been self focused for just a little too long.
In the past couple of years, my husband and I have agreed that we want more. We know it could be better. But then we go back to regular life, not quite knowing how to start, lacking courage to take a step.
Things really blew up in January when unexpectedly, I had to spend 6 weeks on crutches. The stress of having to rely on my husband and children brought out in me so many resentments, frustrations and hurts. Hurts relating to not feeling cherished.
That time of adversity was a real wake up call for the both of us. Things are still up and down, but we're taking it seriously and we've both agreed we don't want walk away.
The fists are down.
We're talking.
Unfortunately, neither side has much to say.
When I look around my internal room, I can say I'm content with the results of my rearranging and tidying up. It feels okay to just sit for a while. My faith has been analyzed, tested, turned up side down and it's fitting comfortably.
So here we are, God and me, sitting quite contently in my inner room.
However, it's become increasingly apparent how much my marriage is in need of attention. Perhaps I've been self focused for just a little too long.
In the past couple of years, my husband and I have agreed that we want more. We know it could be better. But then we go back to regular life, not quite knowing how to start, lacking courage to take a step.
Things really blew up in January when unexpectedly, I had to spend 6 weeks on crutches. The stress of having to rely on my husband and children brought out in me so many resentments, frustrations and hurts. Hurts relating to not feeling cherished.
That time of adversity was a real wake up call for the both of us. Things are still up and down, but we're taking it seriously and we've both agreed we don't want walk away.
The fists are down.
We're talking.
Unfortunately, neither side has much to say.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Coming Up For Air
Yes I've been AWOL for quite a while. So what's up? Well life just took over I guess and then it was hard to get that blogging momentum stirred up again. Stuff has been percolating in me.....just nothing concrete.
But I miss blogging! I miss all you guys. Still been around the sphere......I'm sure you've seen me here and there.
So I thought I'd try the babbling thing. Be off the cuff. I'm not much of a babbler.....I like to have it all analyzed, double checked, packaged and pristine before I press the publish button you know. So this is a new thing for me.
Wow - I kind of like this....it just flows.....so much less pressure......
Quick update for now:
Ended 2009 on a lovely Sayulita vacation with the extended family. An absolutely wonderful place if you like the hodgy podgy kind of Mexico and can handle the roosters crowing in the wee hours of the morning along with the random dogs, ducks and children outside your door. There are many lovely and luxurious places to stay scattered through the town, great food of all kinds and everything is walking distance.
Started 2010 with some minor knee cartilage surgery that left me on crutches for SIX WHOLE WEEKS!!! If you are a mom with a job and a home to run you can totally understand how this amounted to a death sentence for me. It certainly brought out the worst in me and I learned that I DO NOT handle adversity all that well.
In February, while still on crutches, our city hosted the Olympics. I was bummed because it was hard to participate but I still got out to a hockey game. The torch came right by our street. The whole city and neighbouring towns were in party mode and the atmosphere euphoric. A truly great experience!
So with summer vacation upon me, kids home from school, free of schedules and commitments, I can sit back and take a breather. As I take inventory of my inner space, something has shifted. Although I can point to a few changes in focus here and there, I just can't put my finger on it. Thus the babbling. I figure if I just write it might come out with some kind of structure rather than left all fragmented and formless inside.
Enough for now.
I'll be back.
But I miss blogging! I miss all you guys. Still been around the sphere......I'm sure you've seen me here and there.
So I thought I'd try the babbling thing. Be off the cuff. I'm not much of a babbler.....I like to have it all analyzed, double checked, packaged and pristine before I press the publish button you know. So this is a new thing for me.
Wow - I kind of like this....it just flows.....so much less pressure......
Quick update for now:
Ended 2009 on a lovely Sayulita vacation with the extended family. An absolutely wonderful place if you like the hodgy podgy kind of Mexico and can handle the roosters crowing in the wee hours of the morning along with the random dogs, ducks and children outside your door. There are many lovely and luxurious places to stay scattered through the town, great food of all kinds and everything is walking distance.
Started 2010 with some minor knee cartilage surgery that left me on crutches for SIX WHOLE WEEKS!!! If you are a mom with a job and a home to run you can totally understand how this amounted to a death sentence for me. It certainly brought out the worst in me and I learned that I DO NOT handle adversity all that well.
In February, while still on crutches, our city hosted the Olympics. I was bummed because it was hard to participate but I still got out to a hockey game. The torch came right by our street. The whole city and neighbouring towns were in party mode and the atmosphere euphoric. A truly great experience!
So with summer vacation upon me, kids home from school, free of schedules and commitments, I can sit back and take a breather. As I take inventory of my inner space, something has shifted. Although I can point to a few changes in focus here and there, I just can't put my finger on it. Thus the babbling. I figure if I just write it might come out with some kind of structure rather than left all fragmented and formless inside.
Enough for now.
I'll be back.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Throwing myself away
I've been reading A Circle of Quiet by Madeleine L'Engle. My interest in her was spurred on by fellow blogger Happy. The name of the book is taken from the special place where Madeleine retreats when she needs a moment alone. "Often I need to get away completely, if only a few minutes. My special place is a small brook in a green glade, a circle of quiet from which there is no visible sign of human beings. I sit for a while, then my impatience, crossness, frustration, are indeed annihilated, and my sense of humor returns." Oh yes, I can relate to this lady.
In this autobiographical book Madeleine truly shares herself with the reader....her insights, fears, musings, thoughts on writing and her spirituality. I've found it to be food for my soul.
Particularly compelling for me in my quest to cultivate humility is a part early in the book where she talks of pride, self-consciousness and humility.
"When we are self-conscious, we cannot be wholly aware: we must throw ourselves out first. This throwing ourselves away is the act of creativity. So, when we wholly concentrate, like a child in play, or an artist at work, then we share in the act of creating. We not only escape time, we also escape our self-conscious selves. The Greeks have a word for ultimate self-consciousness which I find illuminating: hubris: pride: pride in the sense of putting oneself in the centre of the universe.......The moment that humility becomes self-conscious, it becomes hubris. One cannot be humble and aware of oneself at the same time. Therefore, the act of creating-painting a picture, singing a song, writing a story-is a humble act? This was a new though to me. Humility is throwing oneself away in complete concentration of something or someone else."
To me this speaks of the selflessness that Jesus talks about.... putting others first.....being a servant...dying to self. I find in my life that I withhold out of my own self-consciousness. I miss out on the essence of the moment and other people. I'm too worried about what I look like, how I fit in, how I'm coming across, to truly just be. Or as Madeleine would say to live ontologically. - a concept she explores throughout the book.
I'm inspired by this thought. Rather than trying to minimize myself in an effort to be humble and selfless could I simply forget about myself and see where that takes me? It seems soooo....well....reckless. I like it!
Any thoughts? Please join me in a discussion.
In this autobiographical book Madeleine truly shares herself with the reader....her insights, fears, musings, thoughts on writing and her spirituality. I've found it to be food for my soul.
Particularly compelling for me in my quest to cultivate humility is a part early in the book where she talks of pride, self-consciousness and humility.
"When we are self-conscious, we cannot be wholly aware: we must throw ourselves out first. This throwing ourselves away is the act of creativity. So, when we wholly concentrate, like a child in play, or an artist at work, then we share in the act of creating. We not only escape time, we also escape our self-conscious selves. The Greeks have a word for ultimate self-consciousness which I find illuminating: hubris: pride: pride in the sense of putting oneself in the centre of the universe.......The moment that humility becomes self-conscious, it becomes hubris. One cannot be humble and aware of oneself at the same time. Therefore, the act of creating-painting a picture, singing a song, writing a story-is a humble act? This was a new though to me. Humility is throwing oneself away in complete concentration of something or someone else."
To me this speaks of the selflessness that Jesus talks about.... putting others first.....being a servant...dying to self. I find in my life that I withhold out of my own self-consciousness. I miss out on the essence of the moment and other people. I'm too worried about what I look like, how I fit in, how I'm coming across, to truly just be. Or as Madeleine would say to live ontologically. - a concept she explores throughout the book.
I'm inspired by this thought. Rather than trying to minimize myself in an effort to be humble and selfless could I simply forget about myself and see where that takes me? It seems soooo....well....reckless. I like it!
Any thoughts? Please join me in a discussion.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Want a piece of humble pie?
One of the greatest workings of God in my daily life is when he opens my eyes to truth, allowing me to see something new. When this happens, I have a choice to walk in that truth, adopting it into my internal posture. Or I can choose to slough it aside, especially if I find it too hard or too painful.
This summer I had one of those light bulb moments. This profound "Aha" moment was, of all places, during memory verse time while I was helping with my 8 year old's VBS group. The theme for the week was "Be a World Changer" and the virtue for the day was "Be Wise" The scripture being James 3:17
But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere.
I have always highly valued wisdom. As a teenager I remember praying for wisdom above all else. I love the story of Solomon. Proverbs is one of my favorite books of the Bible. As I thought about this passage that I've read many times before, it dawned on me that I have valued the wrong kind of wisdom. Verses 13 to 16 told me more about that wisdom.
If you are wise and understand God’s ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.
Wisdom breeds humility and yields to others. It puts others first rather than self. When I examined my own desire for wisdom I squirmed as I realized that it came from selfishness and pride. To be painfully honest, I want wisdom so that I will look good. I want to be able to always know what the right thing to do or say is without ever making a mistake. I want others to like and admire me. I want to be better than others. It has nothing to do with humility at all! It looks so ugly when I write it down like that but it never seemed that way. It's so deceiving.
If you have been tracking with me this past year you know that I have been struggling to be free from resentment. The Lord's answer has been to yield my spirit to others and cultivate a servant's heart. And now I learn that God has actually been giving me the keys to obtaining the wisdom that I have prayed for all my life.
In the topsy turvy kingdom of God, the key to wisdom is found in humility. The wisdom of the world stems from pride and selfishness. I do value humility as well. I just never saw how wisdom and humility were so closely connected. In fact, it was the topic of my very first blog post.
This summer I had one of those light bulb moments. This profound "Aha" moment was, of all places, during memory verse time while I was helping with my 8 year old's VBS group. The theme for the week was "Be a World Changer" and the virtue for the day was "Be Wise" The scripture being James 3:17
But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere.
I have always highly valued wisdom. As a teenager I remember praying for wisdom above all else. I love the story of Solomon. Proverbs is one of my favorite books of the Bible. As I thought about this passage that I've read many times before, it dawned on me that I have valued the wrong kind of wisdom. Verses 13 to 16 told me more about that wisdom.
If you are wise and understand God’s ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.
Wisdom breeds humility and yields to others. It puts others first rather than self. When I examined my own desire for wisdom I squirmed as I realized that it came from selfishness and pride. To be painfully honest, I want wisdom so that I will look good. I want to be able to always know what the right thing to do or say is without ever making a mistake. I want others to like and admire me. I want to be better than others. It has nothing to do with humility at all! It looks so ugly when I write it down like that but it never seemed that way. It's so deceiving.
If you have been tracking with me this past year you know that I have been struggling to be free from resentment. The Lord's answer has been to yield my spirit to others and cultivate a servant's heart. And now I learn that God has actually been giving me the keys to obtaining the wisdom that I have prayed for all my life.
In the topsy turvy kingdom of God, the key to wisdom is found in humility. The wisdom of the world stems from pride and selfishness. I do value humility as well. I just never saw how wisdom and humility were so closely connected. In fact, it was the topic of my very first blog post.
Now that is humbling. It's time to go and eat my pie.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Importunate Prayer
im⋅por⋅tu⋅nate
–adjective
1. urgent or persistent in solicitation, sometimes annoyingly so.
2. pertinacious, as solicitations or demands.
3. troublesome; annoying: importunate demands from the children for attention.
I love that word! Most translations call it the parable of the persistent widow. But I think the word importunate packs a lot more punch in explaining the way Jesus meant for us to pray.
I've been pondering the tale of the importunate widow these days while reading from E.M. Bounds about prayer. Honesty, my prayer life has never been fueled by this level of feistiness. I guess I just give up after a while of praying about something. After all, God knows what's best so if it's meant to come about it will. And it seems almost like a vain repetition to make a point of praying the same thing over and over again. Then there's the uncomfortable feeling of being too "name it and claim it" as if I'm trying to order God around. But...... to be really honest...... I'm just too prideful to be a pest. To be that desperate.
Blessed are the poor in spirit. I think that can very well mean blessed be the desperate. I admit that I have just not been desperate and humble enough to stand importunately before God. In fact, I've been rather mamby pamby. But I've had enough now because I've been stuck for long enough!
The words of E.M Bounds are changing my attitude. "Energy, courage and perseverance must back the prayers that heaven respects and God hears......Persistence is made up of intensity, perseverance and patience.......Faith functions in connection with prayer and of course, has its inseparable association with persistence. But the latter quality drives the prayer to the believing point."
Bounds goes on to say "The absolute necessity of persistent prayer is plainly stated in the Word of God and needs to be stated and restated today.....Love of ease, spiritual laziness, and religious indifference all operate against this type of petitioning."
I feel like I'm at a standstill within myself. I'm on a merry-go-round, revisiting the same situations over and over again. I've come to the realization that God is the only one who can help me get off. It's time to lose the pride and the self efficiency. It's time to be like those desperate ones in the Bible whose faith healed them. People like the blind Bartimaeus or the Syrophenician woman.
Here I come God. I'm going to be a pest now. I'll be here everyday, pounding on the door. Just letting you know.
–adjective
1. urgent or persistent in solicitation, sometimes annoyingly so.
2. pertinacious, as solicitations or demands.
3. troublesome; annoying: importunate demands from the children for attention.
I love that word! Most translations call it the parable of the persistent widow. But I think the word importunate packs a lot more punch in explaining the way Jesus meant for us to pray.
I've been pondering the tale of the importunate widow these days while reading from E.M. Bounds about prayer. Honesty, my prayer life has never been fueled by this level of feistiness. I guess I just give up after a while of praying about something. After all, God knows what's best so if it's meant to come about it will. And it seems almost like a vain repetition to make a point of praying the same thing over and over again. Then there's the uncomfortable feeling of being too "name it and claim it" as if I'm trying to order God around. But...... to be really honest...... I'm just too prideful to be a pest. To be that desperate.
Blessed are the poor in spirit. I think that can very well mean blessed be the desperate. I admit that I have just not been desperate and humble enough to stand importunately before God. In fact, I've been rather mamby pamby. But I've had enough now because I've been stuck for long enough!
The words of E.M Bounds are changing my attitude. "Energy, courage and perseverance must back the prayers that heaven respects and God hears......Persistence is made up of intensity, perseverance and patience.......Faith functions in connection with prayer and of course, has its inseparable association with persistence. But the latter quality drives the prayer to the believing point."
Bounds goes on to say "The absolute necessity of persistent prayer is plainly stated in the Word of God and needs to be stated and restated today.....Love of ease, spiritual laziness, and religious indifference all operate against this type of petitioning."
I feel like I'm at a standstill within myself. I'm on a merry-go-round, revisiting the same situations over and over again. I've come to the realization that God is the only one who can help me get off. It's time to lose the pride and the self efficiency. It's time to be like those desperate ones in the Bible whose faith healed them. People like the blind Bartimaeus or the Syrophenician woman.
Here I come God. I'm going to be a pest now. I'll be here everyday, pounding on the door. Just letting you know.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Stuck
Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God. - Ephesians 5: 1-2
I'm stuck in my spiritual life while haunted with this scripture. It dawned on me recently that the whole sacrifice thing has to do with living in love. When something gives it's life for another, the aroma is infinitely pleasing to God. The way that we lay our lives down for others is by putting them before us. To deny our ourselves for others.
That is just too dang hard for me! And that is why I'm stuck. Nothing else really matters about this Christian life if I can't at least do that. So why bother?
Oh I can be nice, loving, giving and self sacrificing in a myriad of ways. I look good on the outside, and it's honestly genuine. However, if someone makes me feel the least bit stepped on, unappreciated, taken for granted or devalued, then look out. I won't be laying my life down for them anymore! Then there's the people who just plain annoy and irritate me. I'm not so willing to put them first either.
Once I heard Beth Moore say that 90% of our sin is in our reactions. That is totally the case with me. I could be so holy and spiritual if I lived alone on a desert island. I don't go looking to sin, but other people get to me. I just can't stop taking offense, harbouring resentment and feeling self protective. I just want to be able to let it all go and live in love despite others. What is wrong with me??? I long to be.....unfettered.
I've been thinking of something I read a while back, that if you can't seem to stop a certain sin, then you just don't hate it enough. I think that's why I'm writing about this here. I really do hate this and it makes it more real when I write about it.
Father - I own this sin - I hate this sin - forgive me and deliver me from it. I put my trust in you working in me to accomplish the impossible. AMEN
I'm stuck in my spiritual life while haunted with this scripture. It dawned on me recently that the whole sacrifice thing has to do with living in love. When something gives it's life for another, the aroma is infinitely pleasing to God. The way that we lay our lives down for others is by putting them before us. To deny our ourselves for others.
That is just too dang hard for me! And that is why I'm stuck. Nothing else really matters about this Christian life if I can't at least do that. So why bother?
Oh I can be nice, loving, giving and self sacrificing in a myriad of ways. I look good on the outside, and it's honestly genuine. However, if someone makes me feel the least bit stepped on, unappreciated, taken for granted or devalued, then look out. I won't be laying my life down for them anymore! Then there's the people who just plain annoy and irritate me. I'm not so willing to put them first either.
Once I heard Beth Moore say that 90% of our sin is in our reactions. That is totally the case with me. I could be so holy and spiritual if I lived alone on a desert island. I don't go looking to sin, but other people get to me. I just can't stop taking offense, harbouring resentment and feeling self protective. I just want to be able to let it all go and live in love despite others. What is wrong with me??? I long to be.....unfettered.
I've been thinking of something I read a while back, that if you can't seem to stop a certain sin, then you just don't hate it enough. I think that's why I'm writing about this here. I really do hate this and it makes it more real when I write about it.
Father - I own this sin - I hate this sin - forgive me and deliver me from it. I put my trust in you working in me to accomplish the impossible. AMEN
Monday, November 3, 2008
Breakthrough
Does anyone else struggle with RESENTMENT? I can honestly say it's the single most pervasive negative emotion that camps out in my head! Or maybe its just the loudest one. At any rate, it's been my companion for a long time and the Lord has called me on it several times.
Mostly it has to do with housework and is directed at my family with my husband bearing the brunt of it. I honestly don't know if I would have signed up had I known that being a wife and mother meant that my purpose in life was to be picking up after other people who recklessly take advantage of me, turning me into a ranting, nagging lunatic. I'm being dramatic here and I wouldn't give up my family for the world but this is how I feel at times.
Resentment creeps into other relationships as well. It takes the form of withholding, waiting for others to give me what I think I deserve before I give back.
I have owned it - confessed it - repented of it ......several times. When I harbour resentment, I feel guilty and then I resent myself. It's a vicious cycle!
This summer, I had enough. Why Oh Lord do I struggle with this so much??!!!! I realized that I needed to get to the root of my resentment. It wasn't enough to identify it as sin and be grieved about it, and I have to admit that when it came down to it, I wasn't really willing to give it up. In fact, I felt entitled to this reaction to perceived wrongs against me. Entitled to entertain this insidious relative of unforgiveness. Entitled to withhold until the other party gives something too.
So I sat down with pen and paper, and had a little conversation with God. I find that the answers take form more easily when I write down what I feel God is saying to me.
Why am I resentful? Expectations of others.
What are my expectations of others? Validation
Why do I need to be validated? Loneliness and Isolation (with a picture of me in a deep well by myself)
Why do I feel lonely and isolated?You don't trust people until they prove themselves to you. You don't believe you are valid until someone proves it to you. It prevents you from having a servant's heart.
How do I get a servant's heart? I have chosen you!!! Your name is in the book of life. You have been validated by me!!! For this reason you can die to your expectations of others and have a servants heart towards them.
Yes!! Breakthrough!!!! As these words penetrated my heart - I understood how my resentment is attached to my own need for validation. I keep people on the hook if I don't feel appreciated. I keep them at arms length if I feel rejected. The parable of the unforgiving debtor came to my mind and I saw myself there.
Lord, help me to have a restful spirit that finds its validity in you. Help me to love others lavishly from the abundance of my heart.
Although, the grip of resentment has weakened, I still struggle with it almost daily. I wonder if I will ever be able to die to myself. I long to have the heart of the unprofitable servant, the one who does his daily tasks cheerfully without expecting anything back.
As we sang this song today in church, the words gripped me. With tears streaming down my checks, I knew that this was my answer.
Amazing love how can it be
that you my King should die for me
Amazing love I know it's true
It's my joy to honour you
in all I do.
Mostly it has to do with housework and is directed at my family with my husband bearing the brunt of it. I honestly don't know if I would have signed up had I known that being a wife and mother meant that my purpose in life was to be picking up after other people who recklessly take advantage of me, turning me into a ranting, nagging lunatic. I'm being dramatic here and I wouldn't give up my family for the world but this is how I feel at times.
Resentment creeps into other relationships as well. It takes the form of withholding, waiting for others to give me what I think I deserve before I give back.
I have owned it - confessed it - repented of it ......several times. When I harbour resentment, I feel guilty and then I resent myself. It's a vicious cycle!
This summer, I had enough. Why Oh Lord do I struggle with this so much??!!!! I realized that I needed to get to the root of my resentment. It wasn't enough to identify it as sin and be grieved about it, and I have to admit that when it came down to it, I wasn't really willing to give it up. In fact, I felt entitled to this reaction to perceived wrongs against me. Entitled to entertain this insidious relative of unforgiveness. Entitled to withhold until the other party gives something too.
So I sat down with pen and paper, and had a little conversation with God. I find that the answers take form more easily when I write down what I feel God is saying to me.
Why am I resentful? Expectations of others.
What are my expectations of others? Validation
Why do I need to be validated? Loneliness and Isolation (with a picture of me in a deep well by myself)
Why do I feel lonely and isolated?You don't trust people until they prove themselves to you. You don't believe you are valid until someone proves it to you. It prevents you from having a servant's heart.
How do I get a servant's heart? I have chosen you!!! Your name is in the book of life. You have been validated by me!!! For this reason you can die to your expectations of others and have a servants heart towards them.
Yes!! Breakthrough!!!! As these words penetrated my heart - I understood how my resentment is attached to my own need for validation. I keep people on the hook if I don't feel appreciated. I keep them at arms length if I feel rejected. The parable of the unforgiving debtor came to my mind and I saw myself there.
Lord, help me to have a restful spirit that finds its validity in you. Help me to love others lavishly from the abundance of my heart.
Although, the grip of resentment has weakened, I still struggle with it almost daily. I wonder if I will ever be able to die to myself. I long to have the heart of the unprofitable servant, the one who does his daily tasks cheerfully without expecting anything back.
As we sang this song today in church, the words gripped me. With tears streaming down my checks, I knew that this was my answer.
Amazing love how can it be
that you my King should die for me
Amazing love I know it's true
It's my joy to honour you
in all I do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)