grains of truth

Stuck

2011-02-10T19:38:00.000-08:00

Yes I got stuck half way through my Love Dare.

It was the part about forgiveness.

If I was going to be honest with myself, forgiving my spouse and asking for forgiveness was going to take more than the two days allotted in the book. And I didn't think I could skip over it so I just put the book down at that point.

However, about the same time I started The Love Dare I joined a Freedom Session class. I had an idea that this class was going to lead me where I needed to go at a much deeper level.

And so it has. Based on a 12 step program we meet weekly for group DVD sessions and then break into our small groups for discussion and review of our homework. We dig into the hard stuff. It's all pretty honest.

Maybe it's the deep honesty that got me stuck. At this point in the class, we have made "a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves". We've listed all our hurts that come to mind and the people involved. We've listed all of those we've hurt. And then we read them out to a trusted sponsor.

Whew! It was actually very cleansing. I've done much of this already over the past few years but this is very thorough and has led me to process a lot of current dynamics in my life that are all interconnected.

In a way, I'm rather disapointed in myself. On the other hand........I'm being honest.....patient....submitting myself to the process. We'll see where that takes me.

I'm Doing It!

2010-09-24T22:24:00.000-07:00

After my last post, where I told my self to just stop thinking about The Love Dare and "just do it", I visited the 40 Day Love Dare blogspot where Jennifer and Eric were just finishing their 40 days. Near the end of her post, Jennifer writes:

"If you haven't started the Love Dare, just do it! It will change your marriage and just maybe your life."

Can you believe that? Is that's not a bit fat Holy Spirit nudge or what? It certainly made me think for a minute that God is totally behind this and the time is right.

I got my Friday morning group of ladies on board and we're all doing this together. We watched the movie "Fire Proof" together and then picked a date to start.

We're on day 14 and the biggest change has been in me. Each day gives me something new to think about, a new approach to relating to my husband, and of course an action to take. Sometimes it's hard to carry out a particular task on that day so I go back and check it off when I've done it a few days later. Feels like a scavenger hunt.

I realize that I have been quite hard hearted and self protective in my marriage. I find it hard to be vulnerable and give of myself and I'm not quite sure why. But, I'm taking this one day at a time and I'm trusting that the Lord is in this with us.

Just Do It!

2010-08-05T23:51:00.000-07:00

Looking back over my past blog entries, over and over I talk about my desire for humility and selflessness. And yet, why do I find it so hard to put that into practice, especially with the most important relationship in my life?

Have you heard of the love dare from the movie "Fire Proof"? I'm considering it. In fact I just registered on-line but I need to get the book. Somehow, I think I'll only make it to day 3 and then give up because I'm not getting anything back. I'm so tit for tat.

What compels me to try is the sad realization that I have been thinking about these things for years but am hopelessly self centred when it comes to practice.

I need to just do it.

Taking Inventory

2010-07-23T12:37:00.001-07:00

For the past 10 or so years, my focus has been on the journey within. Figuring myself out, figuring God out, figuring me and God out......and all that.

When I look around my internal room, I can say I'm content with the results of my rearranging and tidying up. It feels okay to just sit for a while. My faith has been analyzed, tested, turned up side down and it's fitting comfortably.

So here we are, God and me, sitting quite contently in my inner room.

However, it's become increasingly apparent how much my marriage is in need of attention. Perhaps I've been self focused for just a little too long.

In the past couple of years, my husband and I have agreed that we want more. We know it could be better. But then we go back to regular life, not quite knowing how to start, lacking courage to take a step.

Things really blew up in January when unexpectedly, I had to spend 6 weeks on crutches. The stress of having to rely on my husband and children brought out in me so many resentments, frustrations and hurts. Hurts relating to not feeling cherished.

That time of adversity was a real wake up call for the both of us. Things are still up and down, but we're taking it seriously and we've both agreed we don't want walk away.

The fists are down.
We're talking.
Unfortunately, neither side has much to say.

Coming Up For Air

2010-07-08T06:15:00.000-07:00

Yes I've been AWOL for quite a while. So what's up? Well life just took over I guess and then it was hard to get that blogging momentum stirred up again. Stuff has been percolating in me.....just nothing concrete.

But I miss blogging! I miss all you guys. Still been around the sphere......I'm sure you've seen me here and there.

So I thought I'd try the babbling thing. Be off the cuff. I'm not much of a babbler.....I like to have it all analyzed, double checked, packaged and pristine before I press the publish button you know. So this is a new thing for me.

Wow - I kind of like this....it just flows.....so much less pressure......

Quick update for now:

Ended 2009 on a lovely Sayulita vacation with the extended family. An absolutely wonderful place if you like the hodgy podgy kind of Mexico and can handle the roosters crowing in the wee hours of the morning along with the random dogs, ducks and children outside your door. There are many lovely and luxurious places to stay scattered through the town, great food of all kinds and everything is walking distance.

Started 2010 with some minor knee cartilage surgery that left me on crutches for SIX WHOLE WEEKS!!! If you are a mom with a job and a home to run you can totally understand how this amounted to a death sentence for me. It certainly brought out the worst in me and I learned that I DO NOT handle adversity all that well.

In February, while still on crutches, our city hosted the Olympics. I was bummed because it was hard to participate but I still got out to a hockey game. The torch came right by our street. The whole city and neighbouring towns were in party mode and the atmosphere euphoric. A truly great experience!

So with summer vacation upon me, kids home from school, free of schedules and commitments, I can sit back and take a breather. As I take inventory of my inner space, something has shifted. Although I can point to a few changes in focus here and there, I just can't put my finger on it. Thus the babbling. I figure if I just write it might come out with some kind of structure rather than left all fragmented and formless inside.

Enough for now.

I'll be back.

Touched By The Fathers Love!; In the Palm of His Hand

2009-11-25T18:55:00.000-08:00

I'm participating in Daveda's invitation to join her in sharing our stories of being touched by God's love. Daveda says "knowing the love and favor of our Father, is most definitely worthy of praise and a thankful heart. I hope you will join us." I agree. I love to hear stories of God's presence in the lives of others. It builds my faith.

I have posted this story before, over a year ago and it's my most popular post. It seems a lot of people google search about being in the palm of God's hand and find their way to my story. This story is what sealed the deal for me that God is truly a personal God and knows me intimately.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

A few years ago, God spoke to me through a painting. He put my whole life into perspective and securely anchored my soul.

When my second daughter was a little over a year old, and the oldest one four, my husband and I made the decision not to have any more children. We were happy with the size of our family and wanted to move on with our lives. However, I couldn't help but feel a sense of loss for the chance to have a son as well and hold a baby of my own one more time.

Oddly, this decision led me to think about getting a piano. Since I had two girls I definitely wanted them to play the piano. I found a beautiful 1918 converted player piano that looked lovely in our home. I dug out my old music books and began to tinker with tunes long-forgotten. As my fingers found their familiar place on the keys, it brought me back to my early teenage years, before the solitary disciplines of music were put aside for a social life.

The music opened up a longing and a passion in me that had been sitting dormant. A grieving in my heart emerged for the loss of my own identity because, in the years that followed, fitting in with the crowd became my priority. I learned to put on a new face for each area of my life, and lost my own. I began to wonder how things might be different now had I made other choices then. My heart was wavering with insecurity and the music was bringing it to the surface.

Having the piano in my home reminded me of a print I had seen years earlier. It depicts a young girl playing a striking grand piano. Her eyes are interlocked with her little sister’s, whose hand is perched on the keyboard. I remembered standing in the art store 15 years earlier, the picture tugging at my heartstrings as I admired the soft pink dresses and the black patent shoes. I remembered thinking at the time, “If I ever have girls, I am getting this picture.”

When I popped into an art store in the mall and described the painting, the clerk knew it right away. It was a well-known painting by Greg Olsen, entitled “Dress Rehearsal”. She said it could be ordered in as a framed special and if I didn’t like it I didn’t have to buy it. That seemed good to me since the idea of picking out matting and a frame seemed overwhelming to a perfectionist like me. When it arrived, it was more than I could have imagined, beautifully framed to match my home.

As that picture hung in my living room its significance became apparent. For one thing, it was uncanny how much the two girls in the picture looked like my own. The hair and facial features were the same for each girl. Although the girls in the picture were a little older their age difference matched. In fact, as my youngest has grown up, she is convinced that it is her in the picture and wants to know where the pretty dress is that she was wearing!

Then God spoke to me in my heart. He got my attention with that picture and He told me about my life.

“Your life is in the palm of my hand”.

"I saw your longing in that art store years ago and I have given you the desire of your heart. "

"Everything now is meant to be. "

“Do not regret anything, because your life circumstances have brought you your husband, your children and your identity. Don’t worry about not having any more children, because everything is good as it is.”

As it began to sink in, this message brought me an incredible peace and security. My marriage and relationships improved because of my secure heart. I was somehow different and it showed.

You may wonder how I can be so sure it was God who spoke to me. It’s hard to put into words but it’s like having knowledge in your mind all at one time that you know you didn’t make up yourself.

It’s like having a dream with the story all laid out before you and all you do is observe, not remembering how it came into your mind.

It’s like how you know when a puzzle piece fits.

The Bible says, “My sheep hear my voice.” I just knew that this was the Lord’s voice and not my own. I have always had a faith in God but He became so real then. He was actually involved in my very life and thoughts!

A couple of years later, God gave me a reminder and a confirmation of His message to me. I went forward for prayer at a church conference, and the person who prayed for me said, “God has you in the palm of His hand.” It was good to know I was still on the right track.

Awesome Interview With Paul Young!

2009-11-10T11:10:00.000-08:00

I just listened to this recent interview with Paul Young by Drew Marshall and I whole heartedly recommend taking the time to listen.

Paul tells the story of a chance meeting with his abuser that led to forgiveness and closure for both of them.... a real tear jerker. He also sheds light on some of the concepts that he brings up in The Shack. He talks about how God has no expectations of us because he already knows everything about us so he can't be disappointed in us. Disappointment comes from not getting what was expected and expectations come from not knowing.

Makes sense to me! So often we feel that God is disappointed in us....that he expects more.

I loved it. And you will too.

Throwing myself away

2009-10-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

I've been reading A Circle of Quiet by Madeleine L'Engle. My interest in her was spurred on by fellow blogger Happy. The name of the book is taken from the special place where Madeleine retreats when she needs a moment alone. "Often I need to get away completely, if only a few minutes. My special place is a small brook in a green glade, a circle of quiet from which there is no visible sign of human beings. I sit for a while, then my impatience, crossness, frustration, are indeed annihilated, and my sense of humor returns." Oh yes, I can relate to this lady.

In this autobiographical book Madeleine truly shares herself with the reader....her insights, fears, musings, thoughts on writing and her spirituality. I've found it to be food for my soul.

Particularly compelling for me in my quest to cultivate humility is a part early in the book where she talks of pride, self-consciousness and humility.

"When we are self-conscious, we cannot be wholly aware: we must throw ourselves out first. This throwing ourselves away is the act of creativity. So, when we wholly concentrate, like a child in play, or an artist at work, then we share in the act of creating. We not only escape time, we also escape our self-conscious selves. The Greeks have a word for ultimate self-consciousness which I find illuminating: hubris: pride: pride in the sense of putting oneself in the centre of the universe.......The moment that humility becomes self-conscious, it becomes hubris. One cannot be humble and aware of oneself at the same time. Therefore, the act of creating-painting a picture, singing a song, writing a story-is a humble act? This was a new though to me. Humility is throwing oneself away in complete concentration of something or someone else."

To me this speaks of the selflessness that Jesus talks about.... putting others first.....being a servant...dying to self. I find in my life that I withhold out of my own self-consciousness. I miss out on the essence of the moment and other people. I'm too worried about what I look like, how I fit in, how I'm coming across, to truly just be. Or as Madeleine would say to live ontologically. - a concept she explores throughout the book.

I'm inspired by this thought. Rather than trying to minimize myself in an effort to be humble and selfless could I simply forget about myself and see where that takes me? It seems soooo....well....reckless. I like it!

Any thoughts? Please join me in a discussion.

Making your day

2009-10-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

This story is truly uplifting. It will make your day.

Want a piece of humble pie?

2009-08-30T08:57:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest workings of God in my daily life is when he opens my eyes to truth, allowing me to see something new. When this happens, I have a choice to walk in that truth, adopting it into my internal posture. Or I can choose to slough it aside, especially if I find it too hard or too painful.

This summer I had one of those light bulb moments. This profound "Aha" moment was, of all places, during memory verse time while I was helping with my 8 year old's VBS group. The theme for the week was "Be a World Changer" and the virtue for the day was "Be Wise" The scripture being James 3:17

But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere.

I have always highly valued wisdom. As a teenager I remember praying for wisdom above all else. I love the story of Solomon. Proverbs is one of my favorite books of the Bible. As I thought about this passage that I've read many times before, it dawned on me that I have valued the wrong kind of wisdom. Verses 13 to 16 told me more about that wisdom.

If you are wise and understand God’s ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.

Wisdom breeds humility and yields to others. It puts others first rather than self. When I examined my own desire for wisdom I squirmed as I realized that it came from selfishness and pride. To be painfully honest, I want wisdom so that I will look good. I want to be able to always know what the right thing to do or say is without ever making a mistake. I want others to like and admire me. I want to be better than others. It has nothing to do with humility at all! It looks so ugly when I write it down like that but it never seemed that way. It's so deceiving.

If you have been tracking with me this past year you know that I have been struggling to be free from resentment. The Lord's answer has been to yield my spirit to others and cultivate a servant's heart. And now I learn that God has actually been giving me the keys to obtaining the wisdom that I have prayed for all my life.

In the topsy turvy kingdom of God, the key to wisdom is found in humility. The wisdom of the world stems from pride and selfishness. I do value humility as well. I just never saw how wisdom and humility were so closely connected. In fact, it was the topic of my very first blog post.

Now that is humbling. It's time to go and eat my pie.

As Promised

2009-08-03T15:57:00.001-07:00

The DressAfter

Before

It's a little late, but as promised I'm posting the results of my journey with U Weightloss. I reached my goal to lose 25 lbs. in 12 weeks, which was just in time for the dreaded bridesmaid dress to arrive. The dress, which was snug when I ordered it, had to be drastically taken in. I'm now back to the weight I was when I got married 15 years ago. I'm 5'7" and weigh a comfortable 140 lbs.

I'm not going to take this for granted. It was a few stressful years with work and young children that contributed to my weight gain. I've learned that eating healthy, regular exercise and taking care of myself benefits everyone. It's been a long time that I've felt so good physically and mentally.

I was really disappointed with myself before I started this and I didn't know how I could reach my goal. I'm glad I had the help of UWeightloss because I don't think I could have done it in the time period I needed on my own. However, now I have changed my lifestyle enough that I know I can keep with it. The program involved regular exercise and a hormonally balanced diet that is based on the diet of Dr. Natasha Turner. It involves eating meals that are balanced between 40% protein 30% carbs and 30% good fat and then switching after a month or so to 40% carbs, 30% protein and 30% good fat. I found that my body really responded to this way of eating. I feel very comfortable throughout the day because it keeps the blood sugar even. I lost 5 inches around my middle which is where I had packed on the pounds.

This journey has shown me that I can reach a goal. If I set my mind to something, make a plan and follow it, the results will happen. I think in life, we get lost in the muddle and although we have dreams, we don't make the conscious and practical effort to realize them. Sometimes, we don't even really know what we want. I have found that I am very goal oriented. Once I get started, and invest time and money in something, I keep going. I guess that's the accountant in me.

Importunate Prayer

2009-07-05T09:38:00.000-07:00

im⋅por⋅tu⋅nate
–adjective
1. urgent or persistent in solicitation, sometimes annoyingly so.
2. pertinacious, as solicitations or demands.
3. troublesome; annoying: importunate demands from the children for attention.

I love that word! Most translations call it the parable of the persistent widow. But I think the word importunate packs a lot more punch in explaining the way Jesus meant for us to pray.

I've been pondering the tale of the importunate widow these days while reading from E.M. Bounds about prayer. Honesty, my prayer life has never been fueled by this level of feistiness. I guess I just give up after a while of praying about something. After all, God knows what's best so if it's meant to come about it will. And it seems almost like a vain repetition to make a point of praying the same thing over and over again. Then there's the uncomfortable feeling of being too "name it and claim it" as if I'm trying to order God around. But...... to be really honest...... I'm just too prideful to be a pest. To be that desperate.

Blessed are the poor in spirit. I think that can very well mean blessed be the desperate. I admit that I have just not been desperate and humble enough to stand importunately before God. In fact, I've been rather mamby pamby. But I've had enough now because I've been stuck for long enough!

The words of E.M Bounds are changing my attitude. "Energy, courage and perseverance must back the prayers that heaven respects and God hears......Persistence is made up of intensity, perseverance and patience.......Faith functions in connection with prayer and of course, has its inseparable association with persistence. But the latter quality drives the prayer to the believing point."

Bounds goes on to say "The absolute necessity of persistent prayer is plainly stated in the Word of God and needs to be stated and restated today.....Love of ease, spiritual laziness, and religious indifference all operate against this type of petitioning."

I feel like I'm at a standstill within myself. I'm on a merry-go-round, revisiting the same situations over and over again. I've come to the realization that God is the only one who can help me get off. It's time to lose the pride and the self efficiency. It's time to be like those desperate ones in the Bible whose faith healed them. People like the blind Bartimaeus or the Syrophenician woman.

Here I come God. I'm going to be a pest now. I'll be here everyday, pounding on the door. Just letting you know.

Stuck

2009-05-31T08:47:00.000-07:00

Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God. - Ephesians 5: 1-2

I'm stuck in my spiritual life while haunted with this scripture. It dawned on me recently that the whole sacrifice thing has to do with living in love. When something gives it's life for another, the aroma is infinitely pleasing to God. The way that we lay our lives down for others is by putting them before us. To deny our ourselves for others.

That is just too dang hard for me! And that is why I'm stuck. Nothing else really matters about this Christian life if I can't at least do that. So why bother?

Oh I can be nice, loving, giving and self sacrificing in a myriad of ways. I look good on the outside, and it's honestly genuine. However, if someone makes me feel the least bit stepped on, unappreciated, taken for granted or devalued, then look out. I won't be laying my life down for them anymore! Then there's the people who just plain annoy and irritate me. I'm not so willing to put them first either.

Once I heard Beth Moore say that 90% of our sin is in our reactions. That is totally the case with me. I could be so holy and spiritual if I lived alone on a desert island. I don't go looking to sin, but other people get to me. I just can't stop taking offense, harbouring resentment and feeling self protective. I just want to be able to let it all go and live in love despite others. What is wrong with me??? I long to be.....unfettered.

I've been thinking of something I read a while back, that if you can't seem to stop a certain sin, then you just don't hate it enough. I think that's why I'm writing about this here. I really do hate this and it makes it more real when I write about it.

Father - I own this sin - I hate this sin - forgive me and deliver me from it. I put my trust in you working in me to accomplish the impossible. AMEN

More Podcasts

2009-05-28T11:17:00.000-07:00

Another place I like to tune into for podcasts is The God Journey with Brad Cummings and Wayne Jacobson. These guys basically banter about their own journey of losing the religious spirit and engaging in an authentic relationship with God. They make us think about things differently. They are fun and refreshing and I always come away feeling just a little bit lighter.

I'd love to hear of other good sites to listen in on. Leave me a link if you know of any.

Drew Marshall

2009-04-13T10:55:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite things to do while working at home is listening to pod casts. My current favorite is Drew Marshall. You can find a list of interviews to download here

Drew is a former pastor who was disillusioned by the religious institution and he has a few things to say about that. He's current, in touch with today and very entertaining. But mostly, he's a great interviewer and people person. Insightful and authentic, he gets places in interviews with people that are astounding.

The interviews are all spiritually based and he always zeros in on the heart of his subject. There are chats with numerous celebrities, actors and musicians whom you would never have know were authentic Jesus followers. Listening to their stories has really inspired hope in me that Jesus is not as unpopular as the media would make us think. Some of my favorites are Alice Cooper, Dyan Cannon, Kathy Ireland and Jane Russel.

Many of the interviews are with the big cheeses in the Christian world like Chuck Swindoll, David Jeremiah, David Wilkinson, Rick Warren and Brennen Manning. You see a side of these guys that never comes across when they are being Pastors and Authors. He's done a few interviews with William P. Young, author of The Shack that are really worth listening to. I especially enjoyed hearing from Chuck Swindoll. He's the real deal!

There's also interviews with people from opposing spiritual camps like Deepak Choprak, the president of the Church of Scientology, the high priest of the Church of Satan and a leader in the Mormon Church. Drew asks the good questions and draws out some very great dialogue.

Has anyone else heard of him? What do you think?

Life Happens

2009-03-11T10:13:00.000-07:00

Oh my Gosh!!! I've been so neglectful of my blog.

Life has been busy........sick kids........sick husband.........15 year anniversary spent with hubby on the couch coughing up green stuff. Four family birthdays three days in a row. Couldn't have planed that one if we tried! A weekend trip to Whistler Mountain.

But I'm healthy! Somehow, I missed the sick boat. I think it's cause I wash my hands all the time and never take a sip of anyone else's drink.

Recently I spent an insane amount of money to join a new weight loss clinic that opened up near my house. I'm usually not one to go for something like that and it took a bit a convincing husband to agree but I knew I needed the support they could give me.

My motivations being:

15 year anniversary this year
25 high school reunion in August
Bridesmaid in June - do not want to be a 42 year old fat bridesmaid! Have you seen the dresses these day??? They are not the puffy taffeta numbers of my day. They are all strapless and slinky. I've never worn something like that in my life!

It's not rocket science. Eat less. Exercise.

Seems easy but it's not. I've tried to lose the 25lbs. that have crept up on me in my early 40's and it's just not budging.

This is week 3 and I've lost 8 pounds and 12 inches. I'm so happy and inspired. I am also, enjoying the support with meal making, exercise and one on coaching sessions. I guess I'm a go for the gold star kind of girl so if no one is checking up on me I cop ou. I've realize how disappointed in myself I was getting. It's very detoxifying to talk about it and to be doing something productive about it.

And I'm not caring about anyone but me right now. My family's getting crappy meals but I'm loving mine. It's sort of like the Zone diet where each meal is balanced so you don't have swings in blood sugar and cravings. I'm taking off to the gym regularly. I have so much more energy and NO MORE HEADACHES.

Husband is supportive which is great.

I am guaranteed to lose my 25lbs by MAY 15. When that day comes, I will post before and after pictures. I can hardly wait!

Ooglie Booglie

2009-01-23T12:42:00.001-08:00

The other day, I posted the link to the YouTube video that made me laugh so hard. I even said to myself " I just need to laugh like that more."

Yesterday, I met with my morning group of ladies after the Christmas break. We call ourselves the Ooglie Booglie Girls. We picked up the name from one husband who teased his wife that what we do (hear from the Lord) is ooglie booglie!

As we start fresh in a new year, we asked the Lord what he wanted to give each one of us as we work through our book together in the next few months. He said he was going to give me joy and laughter.

It's like he's prepared my heart for it with that video. He gave me a taste of what I've been missing and created a desire for more. Then he told me he had that very gift in store for me!

I feel like I am starting out 2009 on a new plateau. The past 10 years have been a time of introspection and personal growth. A time of figuring out who I am and who God is. A time of finding my grove.

Although there have been times of joy and laughter, my spirit has been heavy and it shows in my countenance. My children sometimes call me on it. "Mom, are you mad?" or "Mom, you're in La La land." I've been a lot more serious than I need to be and not always present for the moment.

But something has changed in me. I feel that I can emerge, a little more sure of myself, a little more sure of God and a lot more light hearted.

I say Amen! to that. I'm ready for a little more laughter. That kind of belly laugh that's under girded by joy and gratitude. A certain lightness of being that's in touch with the things that really matter.

Time For A Good Laugh!

2009-01-22T12:01:00.000-08:00

This YouTube clip from the Ellen show is the funniest thing I heard in a long time. Ellen is talking on the phone to an 87 year old lady named Gladys. If you have a couple of minutes to watch it will make your day.

I LOVE JESUS BUT I DRINK A LITTLE

It's starting to look a lot like Christmas!

2008-12-20T16:18:00.000-08:00

Halls are decked
Stockings hung
Goodies baked
Gifts wrapped
Company arrived
Snow's here

So now it's time to relax with a little rum and eggnog and a hand full of Licorice Allsorts and enjoy some time off with my family.

Merry Christmas to you all!

Love Ruth

Breakthrough

2008-11-03T00:11:00.000-08:00

Does anyone else struggle with RESENTMENT? I can honestly say it's the single most pervasive negative emotion that camps out in my head! Or maybe its just the loudest one. At any rate, it's been my companion for a long time and the Lord has called me on it several times.

Mostly it has to do with housework and is directed at my family with my husband bearing the brunt of it. I honestly don't know if I would have signed up had I known that being a wife and mother meant that my purpose in life was to be picking up after other people who recklessly take advantage of me, turning me into a ranting, nagging lunatic. I'm being dramatic here and I wouldn't give up my family for the world but this is how I feel at times.

Resentment creeps into other relationships as well. It takes the form of withholding, waiting for others to give me what I think I deserve before I give back.

I have owned it - confessed it - repented of it ......several times. When I harbour resentment, I feel guilty and then I resent myself. It's a vicious cycle!

This summer, I had enough. Why Oh Lord do I struggle with this so much??!!!! I realized that I needed to get to the root of my resentment. It wasn't enough to identify it as sin and be grieved about it, and I have to admit that when it came down to it, I wasn't really willing to give it up. In fact, I felt entitled to this reaction to perceived wrongs against me. Entitled to entertain this insidious relative of unforgiveness. Entitled to withhold until the other party gives something too.

So I sat down with pen and paper, and had a little conversation with God. I find that the answers take form more easily when I write down what I feel God is saying to me.

Why am I resentful? Expectations of others.

What are my expectations of others? Validation

Why do I need to be validated? Loneliness and Isolation (with a picture of me in a deep well by myself)

Why do I feel lonely and isolated?You don't trust people until they prove themselves to you. You don't believe you are valid until someone proves it to you. It prevents you from having a servant's heart.

How do I get a servant's heart? I have chosen you!!! Your name is in the book of life. You have been validated by me!!! For this reason you can die to your expectations of others and have a servants heart towards them.

Yes!! Breakthrough!!!! As these words penetrated my heart - I understood how my resentment is attached to my own need for validation. I keep people on the hook if I don't feel appreciated. I keep them at arms length if I feel rejected. The parable of the unforgiving debtor came to my mind and I saw myself there.

Lord, help me to have a restful spirit that finds its validity in you. Help me to love others lavishly from the abundance of my heart.

Although, the grip of resentment has weakened, I still struggle with it almost daily. I wonder if I will ever be able to die to myself. I long to have the heart of the unprofitable servant, the one who does his daily tasks cheerfully without expecting anything back.

As we sang this song today in church, the words gripped me. With tears streaming down my checks, I knew that this was my answer.

Amazing love how can it be
that you my King should die for me
Amazing love I know it's true
It's my joy to honour you
in all I do.

Fun with sitemetre

2008-10-17T14:03:00.000-07:00

I've been having fun with sitemetre now that I finally got one for myself. It's so awesome to see that people are stopping by from all over the world! Not too many Canadians though - other than my own personal lurkers who know me in real life and my fellow blogging Canuck from across the country , Valorosa. I wonder where all the Canadian bloggers are?

The Google searches really get me. I tend to use a lot of cliches and catchy little phrases in my writing and titles so I come up on searches for them. But who would have thought that my little blog would come up on a search for nose booger dream interpretation??? Just check it out for yourself!

I wonder what that person was really looking for? It just seems so random. Anyways - if you comeback, I'm glad you found me. Stop in and say hi.

My Burning Bush

2008-09-05T15:35:00.000-07:00

I'm participating in a synchro blog that robbymac proposed to share our earliest "charismatic" experience. He encourages us to "remind ourselves and tell each other our stories of how we first became acquainted with, and eager for, the felt presence of the Holy Spirit in our lives."

I think this is a fabulous idea. It builds faith and authentic community when we share our stories of God's realness. I encourage you to visit his post and read some of the other stories there.

About 6 years ago, I experienced for the first time, the Holy Spirit supernaturally meeting me person to person. Before this, my faith was based... well.... just on faith. I had never experienced God in any tangible way. I never had my own burning bush experience.

A friend invited me to visit a charismatic church with her. At the end of the service I went forward to receive prayer. I hoped that somehow I would receive something more than what I would expect at my home conservative evangelical church. I was very hungry to experience God in a real way. Having hit a cross road where I was pretty sure that God was asking me to move into women's ministry leadership in my own church, I didn't want to go any further unless I knew for sure that God was really involved and would equip me.

I was hoping for some real fire from heaven. Eager for this baptism of the HS that I had heard about, I wanted to know that God was real.

The woman who approach me to pray with me told me she had a word for me. There was a brokenness in me that God wants to heal. He wants me to come to him whole. But he wants my permission first.

I was surprised. Me broken? But I've had a perfect life! Nothing bad has happened to me and I've succeeded in most things I've set out to do. I have a nice husband and children. A home. A good career. What do I have to be broken about?

I told her yes I do want God to heal me. I want whatever he has for me. She prayed for me but nothing much seemed to happen. She told me that God has already equipped me and that he will give me grace for each moment as I sit at the feet of Jesus.

No fire. No nothing.

I was peeved after that! And dumbfounded! God knows how hard I had searched for him. How long I have waited. How patient I have been. I felt that he had denied me. As I wrote in my journal " I'm jealous of those who God meets so readily. I'm tired of waiting in line. I want to be picked!"

The next day, everything changed. I wrote about it in my journal and I will share it here:

A Day of Mourning - June 4/2002

It's good that my husband is out of town this week. It's given me some time to hash this out with God. We are having a counseling session.

God has been bringing to mind all the crappy things that ever happened to me. It's nothing really out of the ordinary. "Sh#t happens" so they say. But I guess my spirit was wounded and the wounds festered. It does have a common theme though. I have been wounded by my friendships. I have sought intimacy through friendships and have been let down, misled, sometimes abused. I see how it is affecting my current friendships too.

At first it was painful as these things came to mind. It seemed strange to let them swirl around in my head and feel them in my gut. I didn't have a choice, the memories just kept coming. And as every school yard mind game, cutting remark or betrayal came to mind, the Lord put his arm around me and said "I was there". As I recall the loneliness of keeping my hurt bottled up, God says, "I was there". The voice inside me is so clear and steady.

These events occurred over 15-25 years ago but to the Lord and I it was like yesterday. In fact it feels rather good to have this pity party.....to have this time of grieving that God seems to be encouraging.

I feel like I did when I was in the hospital for surgery. The surgery is over and there is pain. But there are people taking care of me, giving me drugs and there is a heated blanket wrapped around me.

It's exhausting. I am tired and achy. I'm sleeping a lot. It's so weird. I wonder why God chose this way to heal me. Couldn't he just zap me with joy? When I asked my friend this question she said "God can't heal the pain you can't feel." I think there is something in that. I had pretty much stuffed all of this over the years.

So this is how I became acquainted with a God who is very real and knows me in my inner most being. A God who uses truth to heal. A God who gets our permission before doing surgery.

In conclusion, I can only say that I was a very different person after that. I became more sure of God and less sure of me. I softened and became more real. I came to understand the meaning of "when we are weak, he is strong". And I have come to understand what it means to be given grace for the moment. Each day is a step of faith.

2008-08-08T00:30:00.000-07:00

So..... I'm a 40 year old House Wife/Mom/Accountant. Who would have thunk that trapped inside was a Guitar Totin' Rock Star just waiting to get out????

A couple of weeks ago my 11 year old daughter spent her birthday money on Guitar Hero III. I picked this guitar up and started to strum along to some of the old favorites and before you know it I'm a MOM THAT ROCKS!!

I can't wait until my next chance to pick up that guitar. I wake up with Pearl Jam running through my head!!! I am determined to beat Lou!!!!

And I was reigning champion on Barracuda - the best rock and roll song of all time - until............my 11 year old daughter took my spot on the best score.

I have to concede - she is way better than me. She has never even heard these songs before. But her eye hand coordination is amazing. It makes me wonder. Even though I am older and wiser and I know way more than her, she can think faster than me. Is that cause my brain is 40 years old and and hers is 11? Is my brain deteriorating or is it that I have way too much in it that it's getting bogged down like when the computer gets over loaded with programs? I would like to think the latter. I think I'm going to stop thinking so much.

Happy Wife Happy Life!

2008-07-06T10:18:00.000-07:00

My husband picked up that catchy little phrase some time ago. It stuck with him and he pulls it out every once in a while. In fact, it has become somewhat of a tenet in our marriage.

For instance - we might be shopping for a piece of furniture and come to a standstill with differing opinions about what each party feels would be suitable in price, style and functionality. In this case, hubby lays his card on the table. "Okay honey, you decide, after all happy wife happy life." This allows him to save face and let me know that he's doing this to make me happy which of course will make things go well for him too. It's all about the bigger picture.

It's true that the woman sets the tone in the home. There's another catchy phrase that rings true - "when mom ain't happy, ain't no one happy".

This might not be terribly spiritual but there is a grain of truth to it. In fact I think it's in the bible. It goes something like this. "Husbands obey your wives so it will go well with you". Oh wait - I think it's "Children obey your parents" so forget that.

But the bible does ask husbands to love their wives and then tells women to respect their husbands. Eph 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

I have always felt that this word of wisdom is the key to a happy marriage. That somehow, it taps into how men and women are created and our basic needs. It's a delicate balance though - easier said than done. I think because woman can withhold respect when they don't feel loved and men can withhold love when they don't feel respected. And to make things more complicated, a husband might be giving what he thinks is love but the wife doesn't receive it as love, and visa versa.

Oh well, after almost 15 years of marriage, when my husband gives in to me using the Happy Wife Happy Life card, I feel loved.

Try This at Home!!!

2008-06-24T09:55:00.000-07:00

Rob at The Spyglass turned me onto word clouds at Wordle. It was really easy to do. I just copied and pasted my post about church family and POOF I got this artistic creation. I entitled it "Love One Another".

I'm disapointed that I could only get a small version to display. To see a larger version click here It takes a couple of seconds to come up.

I Did It! I Did It!!!!

2008-06-12T23:01:00.000-07:00

I finally finished my One Year Bible!

Okay so I was on the 18 month plan but I'm still soooooo proud of myself. I have actually read the whole bible!

Well..... I might have skipped over a few begets and sped read through the endless descriptions of how many cubits of this and that were incorporated into the building of the temple. But all in all, I covered the most of it and absorbed much of it.

Although, I had read and studied much of the bible already over the years, there were lots of places that I had never been before. Like Malachi. I really liked Malachi. And Ezra. And then there's Jude, and all the Johns.

Also, it's much more meaningful when it's read in chronological order. I understand the history of the Israelites so much better now. With 'The One Year Bible', you are given readings in order each day from each of the OT, the NT, Psalms and Proverbs. I was amazed at how often, the reading in the NT or Psalms would be talking about something in the reading of the OT.

I totally recommend it to anyone. If you start now you can take the 18 month plan as well and be done by December 2009. Then when you say you've finished 'The One Year Bible' people will think you actually did it in a year. It will just be our little secret.

10 Random Things That Make Me Happy

2008-05-29T10:04:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged by Rob to divulge the above to anyone interested. I find this fun and of course love learning random things about other people as well. So here goes....

My Timmys (that would be Tim Hortons coffee for the non-Canadians)
My children's laughter
My husband's sense of humor
An afternoon spent reading a good book
Presents!! (receiving and giving)
Compliments (ditto)
Blogging (with Timmys)
Writing a great post.
Snuggling
Pink cherry trees in bloom

I'm so glad I'm a part ..........

2008-05-22T07:15:00.000-07:00

Come on, sing it with me.....you know the words.

.....................of the family of God

I spent last weekend at the first family camp my church has put on since I was a kid. With my girls in tow, I went despite scheduling conflicts and time pressures because I really felt the HS nudge. He pressed into me that being there would make a difference.

It's about rebuilding church family
It's a chance to be part of the seed of new growth

God knows I love to be part of something good....like right in the middle. He has been telling me for 10 years now, if I want to be part of something good then stick with this church.

But I've got to tell you, the past 10 years has not looked good! We have been without a pastor for 3 of those years. Attendance is waning. People are listless. I was involved in women's ministry for a time but that has disbanded. And throughout this time I have been questioning whether or not I am on the same page as my church or even in the same book.

Did I hear you right Lord? Are you sure it's not time to move on?

I have inquired prophetically of the Lord twice with these questions. Both times he responded through the group with whom I was praying with a resounding YES!!!!

you are a warm ember
a season of perseverance.
the Kingdom of God was near.

Finally - this February, a pastor was found and he joined us this month. Everyone loves him, including me. He seems a perfect fit for our unified yet vastly diverse congregation.

So back to Family Camp......

Well first off, the Lord blessed us with divinely warm weather on this often rainy Victoria Day weekend. The atmosphere was welcoming and tenderhearted. We really needed this. It felt like a big sigh after a long struggle. As well, the Lord answered the desire of my heart that my children would get with some friends. It has been a struggle to get them involved and connected.

And lastly....the guest speaker chose to talk about Church Family. He focused on a word that is used much in the New Testament. Alellon - one another. I couldn't imagine a more appropriate message at this time.

I thought I would do a little study of my own and look up many of the ways that this word is used in the NT.

Bear with one another
Love one another
be at peace with one another
wash one another's feet.
Be devoted to one another
give preference to one another
Be of the same mind toward one another;
serve one another.
Bear one another's burdens
showing tolerance for one another
we are members of one another.
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted
be subject to one another
regard one another as more important than yourselves
bearing with one another
encourage one another and build up one another
seek after that which is good for one another
stimulate one another to love and good deeds,
confess your sins to one another
clothe yourselves with humility toward one another

It occurs to me the high calling we have to make it work with one another. The Lord made us for spiritual community. It's not always easy and we have to be purposeful about it. We have to clothe ourselves with it.

A Whole Lot of Taggin' Going On!!!!

2008-05-09T13:10:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning to an inbox full of tags that had circumvented the globe overnight. Thankfully someone tagged me cause I really like this one..... and I'd really hate to be left out.

I've been tagged by Michelle to participate in the Six Word Memoir meme:

{a faithful servant marked by joy}

The Lord gave me this two years ago. It's written on a little piece of yellow paper in my journal - just six little words. It tells me who I am and how I have been created.

I tag......

1. Write the title to your own memoir using 6 words.

2. Post it on your blog.

3. Link to the person that tagged you.

4. Tag five more blogs.

Knocking on Heaven's Door

2008-04-27T16:28:00.000-07:00

"The church is a place for answers, not for questions."--Bree Van De Camp, Desperate Housewives.

I'm sure that this recent episode of Desperate Housewives was the most spiritually profound show I have ever seen on prime time television. No....really. At least it spoke to me where I am at. I would give a play by play but someone else has done a way better job of it here.

I am so impressed by the authentic portrayal of the characters. So often in film, religious roles get molded into typical stock characters and the bible is shown in a negative light.

The story of Lynette, searching for answers and having the door slammed in her face by her religious self-serving friend illustrates Matthew 23:13 (New Living Translation).

“What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you shut the door of the Kingdom of Heaven in people’s faces. You won’t go in yourselves, and you don’t let others enter either."

It's absolutely priceless, the scene in the story where the Minister finishes up his sermon about God's unfailing love and then as he directs everyone to the hymnal he is interrupted by Lynette's upheld hand wanting to (gasp!!!) ask a question!! Her friend Bree is so embarrassed because Lynette doesn't know the unwritten rule - church is about answers not questions.

I was also impressed, when Lynette called Bree on her fakeness and asked her to describe how her faith has gotten her through tough times. In the end the two women are seen reading the bible together on the porch. Searching together for answers.

The Lord has been challenging me to be willing to share my faith with my own circle of "Desperate Housewives". I have come to know and care about my neighbours of 10 years, as our children grow up together, as we participate in school activities and attend Tupperware parties together. It is through this togetherness that women talk and stuff comes out. It is in these early middle age years that women start to ask questions of life.

I am much more secure in sharing my faith than I was in the past. However, I have never closed the deal....never actually led anyone into the Kingdom, although I have been part of the process with a few.

I see myself as having gone through the door of the Kingdom of Heaven, but I've closed it behind me. I am too timid to open the door and call a few people in with me. Fearful because I've always seen it as having to tell someone what to believe or give them a repeat after me prayer that I'm sure I would forget the words to. I just can't do that

Now sitting on my porch (if I had one) and helping a neighbour find answers. That, I think I can do.

God Bless America!!

2008-03-30T14:12:00.000-07:00

10. Toilet seat protectors

9. All you can eat buffets

8. Churros

7. Funnel cakes

6. Mega shoe store shopping

5. Theme parks that can accommodate the population of a small country in a singe day

4. Shamu

3. Disney Princesses

2. Parades

And Our #1 California Experience................................

California Screamin' !!!!!

Okay breathe deeply now.....

2008-03-19T13:09:00.000-07:00

I'm heading out of town for a little while. It's spring break and we are making the pilgrimage to the land of Disney with the girls for the first time.

I'm anticipating blog withdrawl

Maybe I'll find a computer somewhere

....okay, breathe deeply now

operator....information....give me Jesus on the line

2008-03-15T01:48:00.000-07:00

'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.' Jeremiah 33:3

Brad Jersak, author of “Can you hear me? Tuning into a God who speaks” says that Jeremiah 33:3 is God’s phone number. He tells us that we can call on our Shepherd and we, the sheep, can hear his voice. He talks about real conversational prayers with the Lord, rather than the phone messages we are used to leaving on God’s answering machine.

The first time I heard him speak in 2002, I was totally mesmerized. (I’m listening to it right now and it’s still great!) It was the refreshment to my soul that I had been searching for all my life. It seemed too good to be true. “Am I aloud to believe this?” I thought. Until this point in my spiritual life, I had never heard that I could expect the Lord to talk to me on an intimate level. Oh, I had heard it theologically speaking in a “don’t try this at home” kind of way, but this was real and it made sense.

The seminar was two days and it was sooooo juicy! Brad gave us exercises to do and they worked! It was really faith building. For instance, he had us get a partner, someone we didn’t know, and ask the Lord “if that person had a banner over them, what would it say?” Well the woman who prayed for me reported that my banner said “Joy”.

This was a deeply personnel message because the Lord had been speaking to me about joy for a few years. A scripture about joy would pop out, or a person praying for me would sense something to do with joy. This had happened enough that I knew it wasn’t a coincidence. In subsequent years, God has still been speaking joy over me. He has specifically told me that I am “a faithful servant marked by joy”. In my life, this joy was elusive at first. Years went by where I had pockets of joy but it was not in abundant supply as the Lord had promised. However, I can testify that in the past couple of years I have realized much joy as I have walked in greater freedom and I am sure there is more to come. However, I digress……

The next exercise was to ask Jesus what He would say to us if we met Him in heaven. I found this to be a bit of a stretch as I sat, eyes closed, straining my brain to hear something. But then I decided to relax and just go with it. I imagined myself walking into the throne room, and saw Jesus standing in a white robe. This is where my imagination stopped and the vision kept going. Jesus was really tall, almost twice my size. He came over to me and hugged me with a warm embrace. In surprise, I exclaimed, “You know me!” And He replied “Oh, I know you very well”.

This encounter touched me deep in my spirit. It was like I was waiting to hear those words. To know that he had heard all those answering machine messages I had left and he really did know me! He met me in a place in my heart where I had always felt lost in the crowd…..overlooked…..an unmemorable plain jane. As a single tear streamed down my cheek, Brad looked at me from the front and asked if I would share what I got since it was obvious that it had been meaningful. When I shared, he said that Jesus often tells us something that we need to hear now. I think that’s true.

Over the past few years, I have learned to hear God’s voice in a greater measure. It’s not quite as conversational as Brad reports but it’s definitely there. I have learned to recognize how God speaks to me.

I share these stories out of the abundance of my heart. It is my desire to encourage you in your faith not to brag or be all pie in the sky. God doesn’t play favorites. He knows us all intimately and longs to let each of us know what is special about us and who he has made us to be.

Try it………..ask Jesus what He would say to you if you met Him in heaven today. Let me know what happens.

This is me in grade nine, baby....

2008-03-09T10:59:00.000-07:00

This is me in grade nine, baby, this is me in grade nine.
This is me in grade nine, baby, this is me in grade nine.
I've got a blue-and-red Adidas bag and a humongous binder,
I'm trying my best not to look like a minor niner. - The Barenaked Ladies

Yes - this is me in grade 9. It looks like I was too cool to smile. I think I was just worried about having a dorky smile and I was trying to be cool.....we all were.

My Adidas bag was two tone brown. I had Nike swoosh runners and French Jeans. And the perm of course.

Last night we had a blast at the Bearnaked Ladies concert. It was a small venue with only 1000 seats. My only disappointment was that they didn't play "Grade 9".....it's my favorite.

We purchased the tickets to the sold out show back in December. Some friends managed to get only 8 tickets and before my hubby and I heard about it they were all snapped up. We still wanted to go so we got some tickets a few rows over. At the time, I was deeply disappointed to be left out and wrote about it here.

It seems silly now.....everything worked out. We still had a great time with our friends. We met for dinner, enjoyed the show and hung out after. However, I'm glad I recorded my initial reaction of being in the depths of despair. It helps me to see where I've come from......and where I am now.

What colour was your Adidas bag?

Beth was here!!

2008-03-02T08:57:00.000-08:00

Beth Moore was at the Pacific Coliseum this weekend with her Living Proof tour. This is the second time I have had the privilege of seeing her live. I think this is the first time she officially came to Canada. A few years ago she came to a local church in Surrey for a women's leadership conference partnered by Lifeway. It was a treat and a huge privilege to have her and all those southern ladies building into us.

There were about 4000 in attendance, a small crowd compared to her U.S. appearances. I heard that about 1/3 were from the States. Canadians just don't know what they are missing!

Beth, with her southern drawl, perfectly quaffed appearance and outlandish speaking style, stands out in our reserved Canadian culture. She joked with us about her accent and exclaimed "Elly May and Jethro have come to Canada!" And she extolled the delights of Miss Vickie's Sea Salt and Malt Vinegar Potato Chips, a Canadian delicacy that she discovered on her first visit here.

We absolutely loved her!

And it was evident that she loved us. She got down on the floor, touching women, looking them in the eye, loving on us. I felt such a presence of unity in the Lord. This is the first time I have been to such a large Christian event and it had the feeling of a tent revival meeting.

The worship by Travis Cottrell and his worship team was awesome. It was a perfect balance of worship and performance. His sensitivity to the crowd and the HS was evident. He often silenced the band allowing the voices of 4000 women to resonate accapella to old favorites like "Amazing Grace" and "Then Sings My Soul".

Beth spoke to us solely from Hebrews 4: 12-16. In the next two days we dissected it and memorized it in Beth- Moore- Index- Card fashion.

12For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. 13Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
14Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. 15For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. 16Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

The focus was on "our time of need" and how Jesus can sympathize with us, providing grace and mercy. Beth taught us that our temptations are related to our needs. When we are tempted to fill our needs with the wrong thing we need mercy to turn away from it and grace to turn to the right thing.

I was interested to find out that in Exodus 34:6, when God announces his name as he shows himself to Moses, he uses the words Gracious and Merciful to describe himself. We throw those words around a lot in spiritual talk and they have become common to me. But hearing that they are the words that God chose to describe himself when he announced his name makes me take note.

Beth went on to explain that mercy is the alleviation of deserved consequences, as described in .Psalm 103:10-11. Whereas grace is an undeserved gift bestowed as described in Acts 4:33. Mercy is about a pardon and grace is about power.

In closing, Beth asked us to write down something that we need to loose (turn away from ) and something we need gain (turn to). I started to mentally list off the attitudes in my heart that I know God has been dislodging - resentment, impatience, discontent, fear of rejection. I knew it had something to do with dieing to self. Then it came to me.

self-preservation ........all those reactions that surface when I need to protect myself

VS.

self-generosity ....... the ability to give freely of myself without my own wants getting in the way.

Father - I come boldly to your throne of grace, asking for your mercy for relying on my own methods of protecting myself. I ask you for the grace to give freely of myself to others, not counting the costs, not withholding in fear.

In the palm of His hand

2008-02-16T18:57:00.000-08:00

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

A few years ago, God spoke to me through a painting. He put my whole life into perspective and securely anchored my soul.

When my second daughter was a little over a year old, and the oldest one four, my husband and I made the decision not to have any more children. We were happy with the size of our family and wanted to move on with our lives. However, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of loss for the chance to have a son as well and hold a baby of my own one more time.

Oddly, this decision led me to think about getting a piano. Since I had two girls I definitely wanted them to play the piano. I found a beautiful 1918 converted player piano that looked lovely in our home. I dug out my old music books and began to tinker with tunes long-forgotten. As my fingers found their familiar place on the keys, it brought me back to my early teenage years, before the solitary disciplines of music were put aside for a social life.

The music opened up a longing and a passion in me that had been sitting dormant. A grieving in my heart emerged for the loss of my own identity because, in the years that followed, fitting in with the crowd became my priority. I learned to put on a new face for each area of my life, and lost my own. I began to wonder how things might be different now had I made other choices then. My heart was wavering with insecurity and the music was bringing it to the surface.

Having the piano in my home reminded me of a print I had seen years earlier. It depicts a young girl playing a striking grand piano. Her eyes are interlocked with her little sister’s, whose hand is perched on the keyboard. I remembered standing in the art store 15 years earlier, the picture tugging at my heartstrings as I admired the soft pink dresses and the black patent shoes. I remembered thinking at the time, “If I ever have girls, I am getting this picture.”

When I popped into an art store in the mall and described the painting, the clerk knew it right away. It was a well-known painting by Greg Olsen, entitled “Dress Rehearsal”. She said it could be ordered in as a framed special and if I didn’t like it I didn’t have to buy it. That seemed good to me since the idea of picking out matting and a frame seemed overwhelming to a perfectionist like me. When it arrived, it was more than I could have imagined, beautifully framed to match my home.

As that picture hung in my living room its significance became apparent. For one thing, it was uncanny how much the two girls in the picture looked like my own. The hair and facial features were the same for each girl. Although the girls in the picture were a little older their age difference matched. In fact, as my youngest has grown up, she is convinced that it is her in the picture and wants to know where the pretty dress is that she was wearing!

Then God spoke to me in my heart. He got my attention with that picture and He told me about my life.

“Your life is in the palm of my hand”.

"I saw your longing in that art store years ago and I have given you the desire of your heart. "

"Everything now is meant to be. "

“Do not regret anything, because your life circumstances have brought you your husband, your children and your identity. Don’t worry about not having any more children, because everything is good as it is.”

As it began to sink in, this message brought me an incredible peace and security. My marriage and relationships improved because of my secure heart. I was somehow different and it showed.

You may wonder how I can be so sure it was God who spoke to me. It’s hard to put into words but it’s like having knowledge in your mind all at one time that you know you didn’t make up yourself.

It’s like having a dream with the story all laid out before you and all you do is observe, not remembering how it came into your mind.

It’s like how you know when a puzzle piece fits.

The Bible says, “My sheep hear my voice.” I just knew that this was the Lord’s voice and not my own. I have always had a faith in God but He became so real then. He was actually involved in my very life and thoughts!

A couple of years later, God gave me a reminder and a confirmation of His message to me. I went forward for prayer at a church conference, and the person who prayed for me said, “God has you in the palm of His hand.” It was good to know I was still on the right track.

I want it all and I want it now.

2008-02-04T22:09:00.000-08:00

"Yuppies' creed: 'I want it all and I want it now.'"
—Russell Baker, New York Times, February 6, 1988

I've been pondering what I've learned about the things in my heart from my dream.

contentment and coveting

They really are two sides of a coin. I didn't see it at first, even though it seems obvious. The Lord wants me to be content. The reason that I am not is because I'm coveting. I asked myself what it is that I really want and I began to realize that I want it all!

If you know me in my everyday life you probably wouldn't guess that about me. You would think I am not in want of anything. (or maybe I don't hide it as well as I think) This is because I never articulate these longings.........they are all in my head or my heart......swimming around. They are expecations that I am subconsciously striving toward.

So I thought I would make a list and get them out once and for all. This makes me feel sooooooo painfully vulnerable. But here goes:

I WANT an impeccably clean and organized home.

I WANT a bigger home in a more prestigious neighborhood.

I WANT a better and more physically fit body.

I WANT to be valued and recognized in all my roles (wife, mother, employee, bible study leader, etc).

I WANT everyone to like me.

Now on a conscious level I am very aware how blessed I truly am. The Lord has actually given me the desires of my heart! I have a wonderful and handsome husband, two lovely girls, and lots of quality relationships, a really nice home in a great neighborhood, a housecleaner, and a great job in my own home. Life is not without it's tensions but generally, it's pretty good.

However, on a deeper level, I have set some standards and expectations for myself and at any given time I am responding to the fact that I am not meeting those standards.

When others aren't helping me to accomplish my goals I get resentful and critical.

When I am not meeting my standards, I get angry at myself.

I am in a constant state of striving.

I get anxious and hurt when I don't get the recognition or attention that I feel I'm entitled to.

Oh, this is sooooo cleansing. When I lay it out like this it seems so silly. It's okay to have goals - but ones that are doable and I don't have to get harry if it doesn't happen. And it's okay to enjoy the fruits of my labour and the blessings of God without setting my heart upon the things of this world....without wanting more. I desire to live in a state of gratitude not striving!

I can actully see these WANTS piled up on a big barge which I am shoving off to sea. The barge is floating farther and farther away and I'm feeling more and more detached from it........weightless.....peaceful.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.........

Tag I'm It.

2008-02-04T09:28:00.000-08:00

So, Rob at The Spyglass, tagged me with this completely ridiculous meme that I am only participating in to be a good sport. However, the exercise has not been without merit as I have gleaned the title for my next blog post from Rob's post on this.

So here go the rules:

Pick up the nearest book of 123 pages or more. (No cheating!)
Find Page 123.
Find the first 5 sentences.
Post the next 3 sentences.
Tag 5 people.

I walked down the hall to the book shelves, put my hand on the first book on the midrange shelf which happens to be "The Complete Bartender".

Page 123 sentence 6-7-8 offers us the recipe for Brandy Milk Punch which looks rather ghastly to me. I'm more of a fruity martini girl.

1. Add a few ice cubes to a highball glass.
2. Add brandy, milk and generous pinch of sugar
3. Stir

Here's line 4 just in case you are really into this recipe.....and the ingredients are 2oz. brandy to 5oz. cold milk.

4. Sprinkle with nutmeg or cinnamon

PS. I'm not tagging.

Dream Interpretation Part II

2008-01-25T11:48:00.000-08:00

But godliness with contentment is great gain. (1 Timothy 6:6)

Thank you, all of you who submitted your heartfelt words of wisdom to me regarding my dream. This is truly what seeking truth in community is about and I have gleaned insights from all that you had to say.

I think I have received revelation about the root of it all. The simple gist of it was brought to me by a friend who is not a blogger but reads my blog. Not wanting to offend me, she timidly submitted two words the Lord had given her about my dream with the above scripture.

Contentment and Coveting.

Yes. I know.

Those things are in my heart.

It’s funny how they can be swimming around but we can’t quite grasp them and own them as our sin. But when the Lord gently points it out it becomes so real. He really sees us!

The Lord and I have a deal. I welcome His gentle correction…. the way He lets me know what is in my heart. And it’s getting easier and easier. Oh yes, when the big stuff comes up it does hurt. But the road to freedom is soooooo great that it is worth it. And it brings glory to God!

Often, the way he shows me is comical. Like the dream. I truly had fun with it. I knew God was trying to tell me something and it is nothing to be ashamed of because we are all the same. We are all but dust.

Isn’t our God Great??!!!

So I confess in the presence of you all that I own the sins of discontent and coveting. I repent of these heart attitudes and receive God’s forgiveness. I rebuke Satan for the ground he has taken in these areas and command him get away from me in Jesus name.

I ask the Lord to fill me with His Holy Spirit. Thank you Lord for all you have blessed me with. I will take peace and security in all that you have given me, not lusting after the things of this world! You have given me a secure foundation with Kingdom treasure.

Dream Interpretation Anyone?

2008-01-21T23:04:00.000-08:00

I am exploring our "new" house that has already been purchased by my husband for top dollar. (why I wasn't part of the decision, I do not know) I am seeing it for the first time and I am absolutely horrified. It's an old old house, a tear down really. Why in world didn't he even get a house inspection done? It looks as if the floor boards are actually rotting! However, when I look outside, I see that the house is on a large and beautiful piece of property, which gives me some comfort.

Next, in pops a friend - one of the gang that we hang with - and announces that everyone in "the gang" has just purchased brand new condos with all the bells and whistles and they will now be living in blissful luxury together in the same complex. Upon hearing this news my heart drops as I think how we are to be left out of the luxury life while we stick it out in this tear down waiting to be able to afford to tear it down. And I wasn't even part of the decision!!!

End of dream.........

Ya think God's trying to tell me something here?

Maybe some kind of attitude adjustment is necessary on my part?

Or maybe I need to tell my husband he better not make any snappy decisions without me?

I see sooooo many messages here but I am not sure what the root is. There is so much to unpack.

So dear blogging friends and readers who happen by, I am inviting you to help me interpret this dream that I had last night - with wisdom from above of course. I would be appreciative of any insights you can offer.

Six "quirky"and "unimportant" things about me - The Meme

2008-01-11T10:27:00.000-08:00

I have been tagged by Rachel to divulge 6 quirky things about me. Now I am normally a very cool and collected person who is rarely given over to any silliness. However, I am really trying to get over this aspect of me and come out of myself a little more. So this is my action step.

My comfort food is macaroni and cheese with ketchup.
I count by 3's if I can't get to sleep
I pile my husband's junk on his side of the room and keep my side neat.
I'm an armchair organizer.........I fantasize, read blogs, magazines etc. but I can't actually keep an organizing system.
Even though I am an Accountant I am really bad with numbers.
I used to work for a funky footwear retailer and I have a pair of these.

Now I tag Livingsword. I can hardly wait to hear his quirks.

The rules are as follows:Link to the person that tagged you.Post the rules on your blog.Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.Tag six people and at the end of your post, link to their blogs.Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Throwing Caution To The Wind

2008-01-04T14:06:00.000-08:00

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4

I am reading "Chasing Daylight - Seize The Power Of Every Moment" by Erwin McManus. I love inspirational books that hit the mark and this is right up my alley. Chapter 2 is about initiative and it is really speaking to me. I confess that I regularly get caught up on the merry-go-round of Passion - Initiative - Striving - Discouragement - Passivity .....so I am looking for some perspective here.

I tend to be a cautious person. I will second guess myself and look around at what others are doing. Often, I have said to the Lord "show me exactly what to do because I don't want to drop the ball". However, it's now occurring to me that God wants me to take initiative and to take the risk. McManus says "Do what you know you should do, and you will know what to do. God clarifies in the midst of obedience, not beforehand."

He goes on to say "There is a direct relationship between passion and initiative. The more passionate you are, the more proactive you will tend to be (even if you boldly do the wrong thing). Here's where the dilemma lies: this can actually be paralyzing for a sincere follower of Jesus Christ. You don't want to passionately do the wrong thing. You desperately want to do what's on God's heart, not just on your own heart. Here's the liberating reality: when you are passionate about God, you can trust your passions. God uses our passions as a compass to guide us. To put it crassly, when you are madly in love with God, you can do whatever you want. I am convinced this may be the best contemporary translation of Psalm 37:4 "

This is soooooooo freeing to me! I can trust the desires of my heart!!!! I can throw caution to the wind!!! Oh yes I know that being grounded is still an important factor. And we really need to keep our good friend discernment around. And of course there is our ever present need for wise council. But this is RUTH talking here. I'm the Steady Eddy.......the responsible one. I think I have enough ingrained caution to take me down the road of WILD ABANDON without leaving too much of a mess behind.

I soooooooo do delight in the Lord and as McManus says "When we delight in God, we become anything but apathetic......These desires of our hearts are born out of the heart of God."

New Years Resolution.......... to live a life seizing divine moments, throwing caution to the wind.

Reckless Friendship

2007-12-07T13:38:00.000-08:00

The other day, circumstances came up involving friendships that evoked that familiar pang of hurt and sadness of rejection. Oh how I wanted to ignore it, push it down, you know........buck up. For goodness sake I am a grown woman, you'd think I would be past these things. But this time, I felt I needed to consider (IE: wallow in) these feelings and be honest with myself. So after a time of "considering" I asked the Lord to help me with my pain.

So guess what? He answered me in about half an hour. I began to look on the net for a good pod cast to listen to while I worked and came across a message from John Dawson, president of YWAM. I was pleasantly surprised to hear him talking about Ruth and how her name is derived from the Hebrew word for "friend".

As I listened, I realized this message contained the healing words from the Lord that I needed. I started to see myself as God sees me and understand that God has created me to be a good friend. It is no coincidence that I have chosen Ruth's identity for myself. God actually created me to identify with her. Pretty cool huh???

John Dawson says that the story of Ruth is "intoxicating in its simplicity.... Ruth loved with a reckless love that was free of conniving and working relationships to her own advantage." Ruth covenanted herself to Naomi who was an embittered old women. She was willing to submit herself to the process without expectations.

He goes on to say that the human structure will always be inadequate....the Lord is our guarantor....not people Even though there is pain in the refiners fire, we need to maintain a childlike posture towards the Lord. We must avoid trying to seize control of the process.

In my own life, it is friendships that have caused me the deepest sorrow. I do have many wonderful friends who I am ever so grateful for. However, deep down, I am gun shy. I don't like that feeling of needing to hold back in friendships out of fear and then feeling pain when my fears are confirmed. There must be a better way. Many people deal with this pain by telling themselves they don't care. Or, as John Dawson says, using manipulation to get what they want.

I choose Ruth's way. An extravagant, selflessness in friendship that is free of EXPECTATIONS!!! Having a heart that is willing to go with the process and savor the good. Trusting the Lord to be my guarantor.

I recommend John's message if you have some time. There are some lengthy introductions that you can skip over. Unfortunately the message gets cut off at the end but it is still very worth while. He is very humorous and insightful with many facets of the Christian walk. There is something there for everyone. You can find the pod cast at http://www.newsongministry.com/ under "Sermon Podcast". Nov 10th.

I welcome your comments and insights about a better way with friendships.

A true friend believes in you

2007-11-11T13:26:00.000-08:00

And so it happened just as the Scriptures say: “Abraham believed God, and God counted him as righteous because of his faith.” He was even called the friend of God. James 2:23

be·lieve

-to have confidence or faith in the truth of; give credence to.
-to have confidence in the assertions of

When I read the bible, it always amazes me that some of the great characters of biblical history were complete scoundrels at times. These were the same men who God found favor with and called His friends. Just to name a few – Adam, Moses, Samson, Abraham, David, all did something to tick God off. Samson was a womanizer who frequented prostitutes; Abraham tried to hurry God up with His promise of a son by conceiving Ishmael with his wife’s maidservant. David stole another man’s wife and then had him killed to cover up his sin when she became pregnant.

But they had one thing in common………….they believed God. They did more than believe in him, they believed in His character and His word.

Religion can trap us into a life of doing what is right on the outside without paying attention to what is in the inside. The more I get to know God the more I understand that He is looking at the attributes of the heart. He esteems a humble heart and He calls those who believe Him a friend.

When we have a humble heart that believes God’s word, the fruit should be reflected in our behavior. We act on what we believe. For instance, if I said I believed that my chair was strong enough to hold me but never sat in it, my actions would speak louder than my words. If I partially sat on the chair but never put my full weight on it, my actions would show that I do not fully trust the chair.

However, we must make the important distinction that the attitude in the heart must come before the actions or the actions are merely empty rituals. From the outside, it is often hard to tell if the behavior of others is motivated by a commitment of the heart or just a façade to look good. I guess that’s why Jesus tells us to leave the judging up to Him, because He knows the hearts of men.

i'm honored

2007-10-26T22:39:00.000-07:00

i am truly honored that my friend Livingsword has awarded me with this much coveted award. i feel undeserving right now because i have been so neglectful of my blog. however, i will endeavor to live up to the potential that livingsword sees in me and get back to it.

stay tuned to read more grains of truth that hopefully "hit the mark"!

Today is Blog Action Day

2007-10-15T13:08:00.000-07:00

the topic is The Environment. i considered writing something just so i could participate. however, after reading my friend livingsword's post i thought that it was so good i would just direct traffic over there. so check it out and leave your comment! he has two websites with a different posting on each.

http://lifeontheblade.blogspot.com/

http://creationontheblade.blogspot.com/

the disillusioned wannabe

2007-10-10T10:10:00.000-07:00

Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in the mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. James 1:23-24

i love watching the auditions to "so you think you can dance". they really get all types, from the truly dedicated and talented to completely disillusioned wannabes. i've noticed that the best dancers are the most humble. they are so grateful for any critique and are sincerely honored when they are chosen. often, the really bad dancers are astonished and defensive when they are told that they don't measure up. it's like they have never taken a good look at themselves or believed any honest feedback.

possessing a teachable and humble heart is the key to spiritual and personal growth. a person with a teachable heart longs to change and knows that he or she will not find the means to do so within themselves. direction and feedback are necessary ingredients. however, unless we are willing to receive the feedback and put it into action we will remain a disillusioned wannabe.

I'm Totally Fabulous

2007-10-09T10:23:00.000-07:00

Max at http://maxcouti.blogspot.com/ has awarded me. This award is given out to those bloggers who are fun, cool, and of course Totally Fabulous! The rules are - pass on the award to 5 people and link back to the authors. (authors: Christy and Ann).

I am of course totally honored!! Thank so much Max!

Since I am such a newbie at blogging (you wouldn't believe what it took me to figure out what to do with this!!) I will sit on it for a bit before passing it on. I will be on the lookout for Totally Fabulous blogs.

check this out!!!

2007-09-21T11:14:00.000-07:00

This is a great message about pride and humility by Brian Brent from New Song Church in Tacoma Washington. Brian is hilarious and he hits the nail on the head. I love listening to his messages.
http://media.libsyn.com/media/newsong/01_Honesty_versus_denial.mp3

boogers and ink blots

2007-09-18T22:53:00.000-07:00

Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice. Proverbs 13:10

what would a discussion about humility be without a look at pride?

i once heard pride likened to having a booger hanging out of your nose. everyone can see it but you! sometimes we need to take a good look in the mirror, make an honest assessment and make the necessary adjustments.........easier said than done, i know. we are usually blind to our boogers so we need to be receptive to the input of others.

in my own life, pride seems to show up most in my defensiveness. i learned about "ink blots" this summer, at the jesus ministry conference in tacoma washington, http://www.jesusministryintl.org/.

"what are ink blots?" you ask......well let me tell you. they are a defense tactic that we use to confuse and ward off perceived attackers so we can escape. when an octopus feels threatened, it will emit a black inky liquid that clouds the water. we do the same thing when we won't let someone speak truth into our lives because we feel threatened. often it is an automatic response, a defensive disposition that we don't even know we are doing. these ink blots make others pay a cost for speaking truth into our lives. pretty soon, those close to us just stop trying. We miss out on the chance to receive god's direction through others and to grow.

here's some examples............recognize anybody?

cold shoulder
victimization/emotional manipulation
avoidance
defensive posture
blame
obstinate
denial
justification

this weeks homework:
ask someone close to you to help you identify an ink blot.
sound too scary? i know, i have been avoiding it too.

my desert

2007-09-12T22:35:00.000-07:00

those who know me might have heard me say from time to time "i used to be a nice person before i got married and had kids!" b.k. (before kids) my life was pretty controlled and it was easy to keep myself to myself. everything changed after these little people came into my home and i had so many new roles in my life. i sometimes don't recognize myself. i often ask myself "who is this anxious, impatient,angry , resentful, insecure women?"

god has taught me humility through this. when under pressure, my real self emerged and i didn't like her. i had to be honest with myself and god. i had boxed myself in and controlled my responses for so long that i didn't even have a real self anymore. i had to learn to be me again.

you know the saying......"just be yourself". it took me until my mid 30's to be myself. i truly value authenticity but i know how easy it is for me to put on a mask out of my own pride and fear of rejection.

i find that i like me now. i am more like the person that i was when i was 10 years old.....at least that's what it feels like in my mind. If only i could still do a back hand spring.

it's hard to be humble

2007-09-05T10:26:00.000-07:00

hu·mil·i·ty /the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.
—Synonyms lowliness, meekness, submissiveness.
—Antonyms pride.

humility is not the denial of our attributes. it is believing in our hearts that our best qualities are not good enough to cause us to deserve god’s attention. humility is seeing ourselves not in comparison to one another but in the light of god’s greatness.

humility is almost always acquired in the desert. moses, david, john the baptist, jesus spent time in the desert. god kept the israelites in the desert and withheld from them in order to reveal what was in their hearts. god uses our trials to teach us humility.

i read once that part of humility is a willingness to be known for who we really are. I find that to be the hardest. it's hard to be vunerable, to show my weaknesses and to say i'm sorry. i fear that other's will somehow think less of me or take advantage of my weakened position.

.......please share with me your desert experiences that have helped you to grow in humility.

grain of truth #1 - humility rules

2007-09-03T00:48:00.001-07:00

"This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word." Isaiah 66:2

if spirituality is like clothing, then humility is our underwear. it's really the first thing you put on, and it just doesn't feel right if you're not wearing it (for most of us that is). when we are humble we are in a better position to see truth. when we are humble, God esteems us.

i find that i can be really humble in my mind....but when i get around other people it doesn't always work out. i get defensive, i take offense, i'm selfish and impatient....you get the picture.

with all my failings in humililty, i still believe it is the most important spiritual clothes we wear. so i just (humbly) confess my shortfalls to the Lord and keep on going, trying to do better next time.. ..with humility, there is always room for improvement.

i welcome your comments!!!!!